Chicken

I hereby confess that I orkutted. Though I normally don't. But was chicken enough to use a fake ID. I orkutted to check how many of my school friends are active in the circle. What became of them after so many years.
I discovered our school community, discovered that a friend is now a mother of 1. I immediately asked her to get in touch with me using our code language for each other's name. She mailed back saying that she had mailed me the birth announcement at my old office id. So you see, Orkut has its benefits.
I discovered who had got married, who did not (lucky gals!), who is getting divorced, who has become a mom and who is trying to conceive, and who is blogging (albeit irregularly). I re-lived my school days. It was a bitter-sweet feeling- knowing about their lives and all. I wanted to reach out, scrap them or search them out.
But then again, I was unsure of how far I could continue. Would I be able to really carry the friendship further. Would they have changed. Will they be pleased about getting in touch with me and will they want to pick up the phone and talk to me from time to time or will I be the only one calling them up whenever I feel like doing it.
The close circle of friends- I am in sporadic touch with them via mails & phone. We normally pick up from where we began- like I did with this one.
But can I really bare my heart to any of them- No! Can I tell them about my blog? No - atleast not for the moment- I am not ready to become an open book to them yet.
Some in my family & extended family read my blog - that is fine.
Some friends also read and that is also fine. But the communication is 2-way.
Not like sharing my world & myself with everyone out there about whom I do not even know.
Well, that must be an understatement -yet I am not sure whether i want to reconcile my blog persona with my persona of school days and today's persona yet.
Somehow I am more comfortable sharing all details of my life with an unknown audience rather than a known one. Anonimity breeds security?
I discovered a lurker sometime ago via my stat counter. We zeroed down the webpage to the person because he has named it with his real name. We confirmed after he added his photo on his page. Now my fight is that you are reading me, you know me personally, I never invited you so doesn't propriety demand that you mark your presence by leaving behind a comment? Or just go on reading everyday getting all vicarious pleasure knowing whatever is happening in my life. Well, it is pretty much there for everyone to read but if one knows me and discovers me, I would expect a buzz.
My blog is a medium to reach out, to therapy, to record, to share, to connect- most of these which lack in real life. Most strangers will read & form impressions of the persona and will perhaps treat each blog post as episodes. Whereas someone who already know me will get a bigger & complete picture of my life as it is today. I may use my blogger's license to distort or exaggerate just to add a story value. A known guy will take it as real. That is what gives me a discomfort. They will try to unnecessary reconstruct what is happening in my real life basis my blog life. That's my rant.
Now should I go private and send passwords? Will people want to login everytime they want to read me? Will my ego suffer when I see no takers for a password protected blog?