It takes someone special to be a Dad.
I have seen many fathers but just not enough Dads.
There are very few Dads who are willing to take time off to just create moments with their kids.
But enough who believe that their job ends with that 1 tsp contribution.
Sorry to burst the bubble, the real work begins after that. Diapers, Vaccinations, Feeding Bottles, Toys, Clothes, Schooling, and all that is just what money can buy.
There are other things which no wealth in the world can buy for your child.
And strangely enough, children attach more worth to them rather than what the money is buying. Except of course in moments of extreme weakness that involve stuff like Ben 10.
Look around you. There will be fathers who are devoting time to their kids in teaching them the nitty gritty of cricket or chasing after a football and then there will be children whose fathers are too busy to play with the child who awaits patiently for his turn to play with someone else's Dad.
The other day I was dropping my kids to school. I was following a car which had a Dad who was very sweetly bending from time to time towards the little girl in the passenger seat and chatting merrily. Such a heart warming sight.
My son mentioned his friend cried loudly during the sports day. The reason being he could not see his parents in the audience.
There is a rare breed of Dads that can change diapers, wash bums and feed their kids with practiced ease. As a regular, not just for photo opportunity. A Dad whom I know - his little daughter would insist his Dad assist her in the bathroom- we marvelled at the Mom's training and were ready to take tuitions at her feet!
I find the husband extremely vigilant when we go to the movies. I may forget but he never forgets to take them to the toilet before entering the theatre. (May be because if during the movie the dreaded, adamant call of "susu" comes, it is his sacred duty to take them there).
And not to forget, it has been a long time duty of my Dad to play and lose against us in Ludo then and now against my kids.
And so I would say, a Dad can never cease to be a Dad! But Fathers some times never make it as a Dad!
The Scorpios
Showing posts with label working dads. Show all posts
Showing posts with label working dads. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Friday, July 11, 2008
For the New Dads/ Dads in Waiting
While we are on the subject of advice, pregnancy, PPD and the works in some forum, I came upon an older post of mine in draft. I found it to be extremely angsty and therefore I had never published it. So I am giving the post a 360 degree makeover and turning it into an advisory list from a certified rant.
On a side note, this worries me- if I am making posts out of archived thoughts, am I running out of ideas? Does it mean I am not expanding my knowledge but converging towards past wisdom?
Anyway, I digress...
So this is for New Dads & Dads to be- I have taken up your cause before so now for some words of wisdom from women who have been through it before.
1. You (and everyone else) would have treated your pregnant wife like royalty and the moment the kid is born all attention will naturally gets directed to the kid. While this is normal, you as her husband and soulmate must, in no circumstance forget that she is your first priority. Otherwise you would undo all the good work done by you during the pregnancy. She might, in a fit of anger just turn back and accuse that you did it for your selfish interests- the child(ren).
2. Post pregnancy, whether CSec or normal delivery a mother is exhausted and requires a care taking equated to 6 months of illness.
Imagine getting up after hours of gruelling labour or waking up few hours post any surgery and going about the business of feeding/ cleaning/ comforting a newborn. Yes, a mother forgets all about her pains & well deserved rest and sets to look after the child right away. Can you even think of doing it?
So make it up to her. Offer a helping hand as often as possible. Be part of the process and proactive rather than a casual bystander helping whenever convenient.
3. Give her emotional support
Talk to her, spend time with her, especially if she is cooped in a room nursing the baby and the rest of the household is laughing, gossiping and joking away in the living room. Don't treat her as a baby making and nurturing machine. She is still a living, breathing, full blooded woman who is your wife first and then a mother. It doesn't hurt to ask her how was her day or what did you do the entire day in office, whom did you meet or update her with the latest.
4. Let her have her space- with herself, her thoughts etc.
people tend to crowd a new mother with their advice, presence and constant talk. Keep a watch and disengage such people when you feel it is becoming a "too much". She will be unable to blatantly tell people to push off because all of them are well meaning people who have come to bless the baby(ies).
5. Contribute to the home management
bunking maids, messy home, unwashed clothes, nappies, folding washed clothes, filling water bottles, other hygiene issues that the wife is expected to be done. Find alternative support or pitch in yourself. Remember she is on a full time job now unlike your part time office work
6. The new born(s) will wake up many times in the night.
Even if you have to go on work next day, you must work out a schedule where in you take turns to wak up and check the nappy before handing over to her for feeding. Imagine being rudely woken up everytime you try to sleep- this happens to her the entire day- morning & night.
6. Be by her side if anyone critisizes her
The baby does not always fall sick because of the mother's diet, bath schedule etc.
7. Make time for her. Insist that she gets a break
Take her for a romantic dinner, movie etc
8. A welcome home / thank you gift (for giving you the baby(ies) ) would be a nice touch.
9. She might yell and lose her cool for no reason with you or ILs or anybody else
Be her sounding board without quarreling/ arguing back (This comes from wise Sue in another forum)
10. Take off from work from time to time just for spending time with her and the baby(ies)
11. She may not cook anymore.
Don't throw a tantrum for that
12. There is something called Post Partum Depression
see 10, 9, 7,6,4,3 above
13. Make it a rule to not go out and socialize without her
it makes her feel all the more left out. She might encourage you to go alone but refuse vehemently saying you will not go without her!
14. With the multiple changes in her body, her self esteem may reach an alltime low
Give her mental/moral/emotional/physical boost
Do post your PPD memories on my comment space or send me the links for me to make our case stronger
On a side note, this worries me- if I am making posts out of archived thoughts, am I running out of ideas? Does it mean I am not expanding my knowledge but converging towards past wisdom?
Anyway, I digress...
So this is for New Dads & Dads to be- I have taken up your cause before so now for some words of wisdom from women who have been through it before.
1. You (and everyone else) would have treated your pregnant wife like royalty and the moment the kid is born all attention will naturally gets directed to the kid. While this is normal, you as her husband and soulmate must, in no circumstance forget that she is your first priority. Otherwise you would undo all the good work done by you during the pregnancy. She might, in a fit of anger just turn back and accuse that you did it for your selfish interests- the child(ren).
2. Post pregnancy, whether CSec or normal delivery a mother is exhausted and requires a care taking equated to 6 months of illness.
Imagine getting up after hours of gruelling labour or waking up few hours post any surgery and going about the business of feeding/ cleaning/ comforting a newborn. Yes, a mother forgets all about her pains & well deserved rest and sets to look after the child right away. Can you even think of doing it?
So make it up to her. Offer a helping hand as often as possible. Be part of the process and proactive rather than a casual bystander helping whenever convenient.
3. Give her emotional support
Talk to her, spend time with her, especially if she is cooped in a room nursing the baby and the rest of the household is laughing, gossiping and joking away in the living room. Don't treat her as a baby making and nurturing machine. She is still a living, breathing, full blooded woman who is your wife first and then a mother. It doesn't hurt to ask her how was her day or what did you do the entire day in office, whom did you meet or update her with the latest.
4. Let her have her space- with herself, her thoughts etc.
people tend to crowd a new mother with their advice, presence and constant talk. Keep a watch and disengage such people when you feel it is becoming a "too much". She will be unable to blatantly tell people to push off because all of them are well meaning people who have come to bless the baby(ies).
5. Contribute to the home management
bunking maids, messy home, unwashed clothes, nappies, folding washed clothes, filling water bottles, other hygiene issues that the wife is expected to be done. Find alternative support or pitch in yourself. Remember she is on a full time job now unlike your part time office work
6. The new born(s) will wake up many times in the night.
Even if you have to go on work next day, you must work out a schedule where in you take turns to wak up and check the nappy before handing over to her for feeding. Imagine being rudely woken up everytime you try to sleep- this happens to her the entire day- morning & night.
6. Be by her side if anyone critisizes her
The baby does not always fall sick because of the mother's diet, bath schedule etc.
7. Make time for her. Insist that she gets a break
Take her for a romantic dinner, movie etc
8. A welcome home / thank you gift (for giving you the baby(ies) ) would be a nice touch.
9. She might yell and lose her cool for no reason with you or ILs or anybody else
Be her sounding board without quarreling/ arguing back (This comes from wise Sue in another forum)
10. Take off from work from time to time just for spending time with her and the baby(ies)
11. She may not cook anymore.
Don't throw a tantrum for that
12. There is something called Post Partum Depression
see 10, 9, 7,6,4,3 above
13. Make it a rule to not go out and socialize without her
it makes her feel all the more left out. She might encourage you to go alone but refuse vehemently saying you will not go without her!
14. With the multiple changes in her body, her self esteem may reach an alltime low
Give her mental/moral/emotional/physical boost
Do post your PPD memories on my comment space or send me the links for me to make our case stronger
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Here’s to the Working Fathers! and their woes…
Pregnancy- Right from the time when the news of the pregnancy is shared with the world, all pampering happens to the Mom-to-be. They get the license to eat whatever they want, even take more than their fair share off the husband’s plate. He doesn’t have the freedom to eat anything the mere sight of which may be a potential cause of nausea to the wife. Suddenly everyone seems to side with the wife. The biggest ditcher is the mother. Overnight the DIL becomes the best, most loved and most cared for. All healthy, nutritious, tasty food is made for her and the poor, ignored son is made to do all the hard work including the simple tasks of switching on the fan & the tough sacrifice of handing over the TV remote to the wife.
They bear the brunt of the sudden bursts of emotion & are made to respond to all the whims of the pregnant wife. And do they get to buy paternity clothes? While women can use the occassion to shop every trimester for new maternity wear, then post partum wear and then new clothes again once they are back in shape.
Post delivery- The situation is the same- if at all worse as the baby also joins the league.
A whole bunch of relatives will appear on the scene to help the new mother & none come to help the new father. Nobody prepares the new father – they have to learn the game themselves. If the Mom is a working mom, she additionally gets to take the maternity leave from the so supportive workplace. And some grant paternity leave to make sure that he gets to support the just-delivered wife in hospital, take care of the new baby, change diapers and hold the baby when the mom wishes to relax.
Re-prioritization- the loving wife becomes the loving mother and the order of priority is baby, baby, baby, self (so that she can take care of the baby), house (since everything has to be clean so that baby does not get affected), relatives (who are helping with the baby), maid (to help with the baby) and not to forget- husband.
Working Hours- And does the working father get a break at all? Maybe the Mom gets to sleep when the baby sleeps. When Dad gets back home, he is handed over the baby, in the name of bonding even before he manages to remove his shoes. And of course- the Mom is tired after taking care of the baby whole day while Dad is whiling away time at office. And weekends are never the same again. Since Mom takes care the entire week, Dad has to fill in during the weekends. So all hopes of even a small afternoon nap flies out of the window as Dad dare not express the wish of a nap to Mom who does not get any break during week days. Of course all repair work, home maintenance work and shopping has to happen during the weekend so that Dad can do/ supervise. Mom is willing to do it if Dad promises to take care of the baby without even once calling Mom for help!
And the Nights- since the doc has advised- no diapers at night, keep the baby comfortable, Dad is supposed to do the change of nappies and then hand over the baby to the waiting mom for feeding. If still the baby doesn’t sleep, Dad will hold the baby and walk around till (s)he sleeps. After all Mom has been doing exactly this the whole day and also elders say that the mother will find it difficult to put the baby to sleep. The baby will be able to recognize the mother and then expect that feeding routine will take place and therefore will not sleep. So the indulgent Dad has to do the drill. Same for bottle feeding- Dr Spock says mom should leave the room when baby is fussing when bottle fed.
While Mom can sleep till late in the morning if the baby allows so, Dad has to get up & go for work – on time. Even miss breakfast if the entire household is busy with the baby.
Touring- Wonder if it happens to the mom, but kids refuse to recognize the dad when he comes back after a longish tour.
When my husband came back home form a 3-week tour the little monsters decided that they did not know him at all, until he sat down to do his daily puja & rang the bell. When Tejas was 6 weeks old, Hubby suddenly materialsed after a 2-week tour and planted a kiss on his cheeks- the little fellow spent about 20 minutes crying in fear.
Separation Pangs- of course Dad also misses the baby- whether in office or while touring. Some times they also miss out in being the first one to witness the milestone happening.
Performance Anxiety- diapering, holding the baby, making the baby sleep, baby should not cry in his lap etc etc. Basically be good at everything the mom does and be evaluated for the performance by everyone.
Bad Cop- Dad gets to be the monster- wait till Daddy comes; I will tell him all that you did today.
There, Dads of the world, I have taken up your cause. You may contribute and add to the list while we Moms may look for more occasions of making you bond with the children.
Edited to add
This post is linked to CHBM in response to the Carnival
They bear the brunt of the sudden bursts of emotion & are made to respond to all the whims of the pregnant wife. And do they get to buy paternity clothes? While women can use the occassion to shop every trimester for new maternity wear, then post partum wear and then new clothes again once they are back in shape.
Post delivery- The situation is the same- if at all worse as the baby also joins the league.
A whole bunch of relatives will appear on the scene to help the new mother & none come to help the new father. Nobody prepares the new father – they have to learn the game themselves. If the Mom is a working mom, she additionally gets to take the maternity leave from the so supportive workplace. And some grant paternity leave to make sure that he gets to support the just-delivered wife in hospital, take care of the new baby, change diapers and hold the baby when the mom wishes to relax.
Re-prioritization- the loving wife becomes the loving mother and the order of priority is baby, baby, baby, self (so that she can take care of the baby), house (since everything has to be clean so that baby does not get affected), relatives (who are helping with the baby), maid (to help with the baby) and not to forget- husband.
Working Hours- And does the working father get a break at all? Maybe the Mom gets to sleep when the baby sleeps. When Dad gets back home, he is handed over the baby, in the name of bonding even before he manages to remove his shoes. And of course- the Mom is tired after taking care of the baby whole day while Dad is whiling away time at office. And weekends are never the same again. Since Mom takes care the entire week, Dad has to fill in during the weekends. So all hopes of even a small afternoon nap flies out of the window as Dad dare not express the wish of a nap to Mom who does not get any break during week days. Of course all repair work, home maintenance work and shopping has to happen during the weekend so that Dad can do/ supervise. Mom is willing to do it if Dad promises to take care of the baby without even once calling Mom for help!
And the Nights- since the doc has advised- no diapers at night, keep the baby comfortable, Dad is supposed to do the change of nappies and then hand over the baby to the waiting mom for feeding. If still the baby doesn’t sleep, Dad will hold the baby and walk around till (s)he sleeps. After all Mom has been doing exactly this the whole day and also elders say that the mother will find it difficult to put the baby to sleep. The baby will be able to recognize the mother and then expect that feeding routine will take place and therefore will not sleep. So the indulgent Dad has to do the drill. Same for bottle feeding- Dr Spock says mom should leave the room when baby is fussing when bottle fed.
While Mom can sleep till late in the morning if the baby allows so, Dad has to get up & go for work – on time. Even miss breakfast if the entire household is busy with the baby.
Touring- Wonder if it happens to the mom, but kids refuse to recognize the dad when he comes back after a longish tour.
When my husband came back home form a 3-week tour the little monsters decided that they did not know him at all, until he sat down to do his daily puja & rang the bell. When Tejas was 6 weeks old, Hubby suddenly materialsed after a 2-week tour and planted a kiss on his cheeks- the little fellow spent about 20 minutes crying in fear.
Separation Pangs- of course Dad also misses the baby- whether in office or while touring. Some times they also miss out in being the first one to witness the milestone happening.
Performance Anxiety- diapering, holding the baby, making the baby sleep, baby should not cry in his lap etc etc. Basically be good at everything the mom does and be evaluated for the performance by everyone.
Bad Cop- Dad gets to be the monster- wait till Daddy comes; I will tell him all that you did today.
There, Dads of the world, I have taken up your cause. You may contribute and add to the list while we Moms may look for more occasions of making you bond with the children.
Edited to add
This post is linked to CHBM in response to the Carnival
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