Ok, from the moment I read the article, I was waiting for Kiran to do a take so that I could link that and write something. She was also part of the BBC panel on this topic. A thought provoking post there if you could please go to the link first.
And my take-
1. Super kids are not kids who score A across or can do everything, every activity. Super kids to me are good human beings first. They first need to learn stuff like sharing, empathy, caring, feeling for others, understand emotions- whether happiness or sadness or anger. My proud moments are those little moments when one kid of mine brings a set of night clothes for his brother or puts his brother's shoes back into the rack, or stop my hand when I try to dress a wound because according to him I might hurt his brother, or when they insist that they must share the lollylops with their friends. Yes, these are my proudest moments as a parent, because some where I know their heart is in the right place if they are able to do that.
2. Superkids do not just do academics. They also play. They also listen to music, learn music, watch TV, dance, or chat or just do nothing. I believe that for an all round development, kids must be exposed to different types of activities. Otherwise they will never discover what they may be good at. Ojas dribbles the football like a pro. At one point we were desperate that he doesn't coordinate well. The music teacher almost gave up on Tejas but today Tejas has been asked to sing a few lines in the assembly. I don't care what he does there- but atleast the teacher found him good enough to sing in front of the school.
What I like about their school is that they insist everyone participates. Perhaps I did not have a good face, or maybe I was too tall, or fat or didn't have a loud enough voice... whatever maybe the reason, I was not part most stage functions in school. I am glad my kids do not face that problem. Next year the kids take up theatre & dance as co curricular activities. And I am excited about it because theatre or dance is such a great medium of expression, it enhances your comfort with your own body. To me it is not just about academics- it is more than that.
3. Moms of superkids feel proud about their kids' achievements but they do not believe it is a matter of life or death if they do not come first in a race or such things and they never ever base a promise of reward on that. Parents of superkids also feel proud of any other kids' achievement infact.
To me it is more important that a child is sportive and accepts the fact that others may be as good or better than him in some aspect. I will never tell my kid that you are the best. I always say that I am happy you have done well. Once when a child was going on and on about how he is the smartest in his class because he got so many stars, I had to cut him off saying that so did others. Everybody gets stars. The fact was that his mom made him believe that he is the smartest and others are not. Which in my opinion is wrong. Because then, these kids cannot take failure.
4. Parents of superkids do not compare- You first compare among your children, then with classmates, then neighbour's children in other schools....and so on- it is endless. To me what matters is that as an individual is the child meeting all milestones. I face a problem at home. Both my kids achieve their milestones at different phases. It is natural and unavoidable that I go on high alert and start comparing even though I make a conscious effort to not do it.
But it also helps in a way that I know where to put my efforts because I do not want them to miss a chance of enjoying a pursuit because they are ready to give up at this stage. Ojas hated reading. He would falter at even the simplest words whereas Tejas just amassed words into his vocab. I pushed Ojas relentlessly and today he is hungering after books. My main concern was, I did not want him to miss the joys of reading, which was the reason I pushed- I used techniques, I used word spotting games, I used kindersite stories to make it fun. Basically, I followed his style of approach towards learning.
5. Superkids do not always score 100% in school - my husband did not, and neither did he get recruited in campus- he is a CEO today.
6. Superkids are not bookish- superkids apply. Superkids do and learn, not mug up and learn. Superkids imagine.
7. And discipline- superkids are disciplined, not regimental. As a parent, I do not encourage missing school. Because my focus is on building a lifeskill of self discipline. Today you miss school, tomorrow you go lax in college because of your "chalt hai" attitude and later on you miss deadlines in office, and do not take your responsibilities seriously.
8. In Life, it is not enough that you are a gold medallist and all that. What is the life skill that you have imbibed at the end of the day? Who cares about a degree that is locked up in your drawer. What do people perceive you as?
The Scorpios
Showing posts with label opinion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label opinion. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Monday, August 18, 2008
Birthdays
Yesterdays...
-At School
Wear Coloured Dress, Distribute candies, Get royal treatment- suddenly everybody in your class seems to become your friend, Even the teachers do not scold you
-At Home
gifts, cake, treat to friends
Today...
People gather to wish you in your home, you cook, you slog in the kitchen, you serve, you clean-up and in return just get to cut the birthday cake (sometimes you might end up baking a cake for yourself too) and get some gifts.
Sigh...It's not an easy joke being a woman.
Until I decided that I deserved more on my birthday.
I deserve to not cook, be treated for a fun day and for once not act dutiful and feel obliged to engage the entire shebang for my birthday dinner.
Life is so uncomplicated after that!
-At School
Wear Coloured Dress, Distribute candies, Get royal treatment- suddenly everybody in your class seems to become your friend, Even the teachers do not scold you
-At Home
gifts, cake, treat to friends
Today...
People gather to wish you in your home, you cook, you slog in the kitchen, you serve, you clean-up and in return just get to cut the birthday cake (sometimes you might end up baking a cake for yourself too) and get some gifts.
Sigh...It's not an easy joke being a woman.
Until I decided that I deserved more on my birthday.
I deserve to not cook, be treated for a fun day and for once not act dutiful and feel obliged to engage the entire shebang for my birthday dinner.
Life is so uncomplicated after that!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Taking Pleasures for Granted
Last Sunday I noticed a family of 5 on a bike- 3 kids & 2 adults. I responded with my usual reaction- how foolish. Why take such a risk.
Why actually?
1. They do not have the money for public transport & they would rather risk their lives and take their own transport.
2. Hassles of Mass transport system- overcrowded, cannot get a seat, alighting points not convenient.
3. They just do not imagine it is so risky - rather the adage- tragedy happens to others.
4. Saving that extra rupee- if everytime the family needs to go out, and they take a public transport- it is a huge drain on their finances.
Overloaded buses, almost tilted to one side due to the more than extra weight on the door side is a common sight. Mostly during college/ school hours or office time. In their desperate attempt to save every extra rupee and every little minute to reach their destination on time, they risk their lives everyday by travelling on the footboard and beyond.
I have a big one with these helmet wearers also. They only believe that the rider needs this protection and not the pillion rider. As it is I find bikes unsafe because staying on seat depends on your hands- the moment your hands leave the handlebar- you have a close to 100% risk of falling off.
Made me think how we take life's little pleasures for granted. Today I cannot imagine a life without a car or rather more than a single car per family. It is not my right to judge the above set of people because there was a day when I was travelling these crowded buses & vans & share autos so that I could reach office on time. So that I could save a 100 bucks of auto fare.
There was a time when I did not mind eating a quick breakfast a the cheap hotels. Today, even a Sangeeta hotel is not too good for me because the last time I went there, I found a hair on the table. Considering that I was pregnant at that time, it is excusable that I found it revolting and vowed never to eat there again.
I solemnly promise, I will never take that coffee day cake, sandwich & frappe for granted. Atleast for the bomb they charge they are giving me a clean place to relax.
I have lived in a place where there is frequent loadshedding expecially during the day to divert the power to the factories. We have lived through power cuts during summer taking our chairs outside in the garden or the terrace and enjoying a moonlight chat / antakshari and a lovely breeze if lucky. We studied by candlelight and slept with the little breeze that came in via the window or used a hand fan.
Today even a few seconds of power cut is enough to make us grumble and start calling the Electricity Board for quick service. I have spend 3 hours straight one night just fanning my sons through the power cut because I knew if they wake up, the troubles are multifold. So it is easier to fan them while they sleep.
Makes me appreciate the joy of air conditioning & continuous supply of electricity in offices.
Same with water- every drop is precious to me also because only here I have experienced 24 hour water supply. Water was rationed to one or sometimes 2 supplies during the day in our town. That is why I scream everytime I see a leaking tap or find that the maid has opened the tap in nearly full blast. It is so precious that I am scared to enjoy it.
Infrastructure, convenience, hygiene factors- one can never be satisfied- the bar moves everytime we feel we have reached it. But that is also in a way a name for progress!
The point of this post is to appreciate these little pleasures thrown my way- a clean toilet, greenery, on time delivery of mail/ on-time landing of flight, safety, security in my apartment complex, long distance calls on the mobile...
Why actually?
1. They do not have the money for public transport & they would rather risk their lives and take their own transport.
2. Hassles of Mass transport system- overcrowded, cannot get a seat, alighting points not convenient.
3. They just do not imagine it is so risky - rather the adage- tragedy happens to others.
4. Saving that extra rupee- if everytime the family needs to go out, and they take a public transport- it is a huge drain on their finances.
Overloaded buses, almost tilted to one side due to the more than extra weight on the door side is a common sight. Mostly during college/ school hours or office time. In their desperate attempt to save every extra rupee and every little minute to reach their destination on time, they risk their lives everyday by travelling on the footboard and beyond.
I have a big one with these helmet wearers also. They only believe that the rider needs this protection and not the pillion rider. As it is I find bikes unsafe because staying on seat depends on your hands- the moment your hands leave the handlebar- you have a close to 100% risk of falling off.
Made me think how we take life's little pleasures for granted. Today I cannot imagine a life without a car or rather more than a single car per family. It is not my right to judge the above set of people because there was a day when I was travelling these crowded buses & vans & share autos so that I could reach office on time. So that I could save a 100 bucks of auto fare.
There was a time when I did not mind eating a quick breakfast a the cheap hotels. Today, even a Sangeeta hotel is not too good for me because the last time I went there, I found a hair on the table. Considering that I was pregnant at that time, it is excusable that I found it revolting and vowed never to eat there again.
I solemnly promise, I will never take that coffee day cake, sandwich & frappe for granted. Atleast for the bomb they charge they are giving me a clean place to relax.
I have lived in a place where there is frequent loadshedding expecially during the day to divert the power to the factories. We have lived through power cuts during summer taking our chairs outside in the garden or the terrace and enjoying a moonlight chat / antakshari and a lovely breeze if lucky. We studied by candlelight and slept with the little breeze that came in via the window or used a hand fan.
Today even a few seconds of power cut is enough to make us grumble and start calling the Electricity Board for quick service. I have spend 3 hours straight one night just fanning my sons through the power cut because I knew if they wake up, the troubles are multifold. So it is easier to fan them while they sleep.
Makes me appreciate the joy of air conditioning & continuous supply of electricity in offices.
Same with water- every drop is precious to me also because only here I have experienced 24 hour water supply. Water was rationed to one or sometimes 2 supplies during the day in our town. That is why I scream everytime I see a leaking tap or find that the maid has opened the tap in nearly full blast. It is so precious that I am scared to enjoy it.
Infrastructure, convenience, hygiene factors- one can never be satisfied- the bar moves everytime we feel we have reached it. But that is also in a way a name for progress!
The point of this post is to appreciate these little pleasures thrown my way- a clean toilet, greenery, on time delivery of mail/ on-time landing of flight, safety, security in my apartment complex, long distance calls on the mobile...
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Circle of Bonding
I have often argued that it is mandatory to have a sibling. Because after your parents, the sibling is your only close family - someone who has shared your childhood, your room, your parents and your clothes. Someone who knows you almost as well as you know yourself. When I see Ojas & Tejas rolling on the bed laughing together, play acting, quarreling, protecting each other, I can see the wisdom of having siblings. And more than just siblings, I am probably coming to terms with having two male children. My theory about men and women bonding with their own gender better.
Lot of people say that I have enough cousins to share my childhood with. I argue again. For your child your cousins' children are further removed from the family. Even your sibling's children are first cousins. And no longer in today's context they will share their childhood. The bonding is stronger with own sibling anyday! So are you ensuring that you are securing your child's future interms of having a companion in the form of a sibling after you?
What would I have done if I did not have siblings whom I can call up anytime and ask to baby sit so that I could go to the gym or the parlour or the movie? Who is my fall-back in times of great emotional need? Whom do I pick up the phone and call when I want to gossip or share the latest?
We siblings lived together in chennai- both sisters working and brother studying. There were times when we fought, argued, did not speak for a few days and then were back to normal. Just like how I do that with my husband now.
I feel heartened everytime I see my or K's sibling(s) spend time with the kids, treat them as their own and indulge them royally. I sometimes wonder what is it that they enjoy about spending time with someone else's kids? What prompts them to take them for a quick drive or enjoy playing with them? I don't know whether I would live up to the standards they have set in enjoying my children. Or maybe I would know when I see them! The call of blood will perhaps come into play.
My another deepest wish is to have a close circle of friends with whom I can bond emotionally and socially. It is a little inexplicible but i mean the kind who fall in the category of "best friend in school"- one can have many friends but only a few will make a gang or a circle- who will eat lunch together, play togther during recess, may be live in and out of each other's house and freak out together. And among the lot, maybe one can have one or two- best friends.
These category of friends would be someone whom I will not hesitate to call in times of greatest need. Families with whom we could spend the weekend/ go for a trip/ or have a simple weekend or anytime dinner.
Someone who will not mind babysitting my kids or would not think twice before letting their kids have a pajama party in my house. Where formality would not be allowed or expected.
Someone who will not mind holding my kid's hand while I shop in peace. Someone with whom I will not quarrel to pay the bill or my share of dinner in a hotel, or would be equally comfortable doing frequent dutch meals. We could together rant away to glory and not be judged but supported and also neither would the subject(s) of the rant be judged. They are the sort of friends whom you will call up and inform the important, unimportant, exciting and random events of your life- because each of you would understand exactly why the event is interesting to you. My friend AD called me up to tell me that she got her copies of Jeffery Archer books signed by the author himself, after standing in a long queue. She called me exactly for this reason because she simply had to share that elation she felt after shaking hands with the author incarnate.
I have seen friends who routinely take my kids out for a drive or indulge them with their favourite snack - when one does it once or twice it could be ajudged as just a formality- but doing it regularly does mean something.
All of us need family friends like these where both spouses can connect else it becomes difficult to continue the friendship.
On this note I count my blessings that there are a lot of kind souls out there who genuinely take interest in my kids.
Lot of people say that I have enough cousins to share my childhood with. I argue again. For your child your cousins' children are further removed from the family. Even your sibling's children are first cousins. And no longer in today's context they will share their childhood. The bonding is stronger with own sibling anyday! So are you ensuring that you are securing your child's future interms of having a companion in the form of a sibling after you?
What would I have done if I did not have siblings whom I can call up anytime and ask to baby sit so that I could go to the gym or the parlour or the movie? Who is my fall-back in times of great emotional need? Whom do I pick up the phone and call when I want to gossip or share the latest?
We siblings lived together in chennai- both sisters working and brother studying. There were times when we fought, argued, did not speak for a few days and then were back to normal. Just like how I do that with my husband now.
I feel heartened everytime I see my or K's sibling(s) spend time with the kids, treat them as their own and indulge them royally. I sometimes wonder what is it that they enjoy about spending time with someone else's kids? What prompts them to take them for a quick drive or enjoy playing with them? I don't know whether I would live up to the standards they have set in enjoying my children. Or maybe I would know when I see them! The call of blood will perhaps come into play.
My another deepest wish is to have a close circle of friends with whom I can bond emotionally and socially. It is a little inexplicible but i mean the kind who fall in the category of "best friend in school"- one can have many friends but only a few will make a gang or a circle- who will eat lunch together, play togther during recess, may be live in and out of each other's house and freak out together. And among the lot, maybe one can have one or two- best friends.
These category of friends would be someone whom I will not hesitate to call in times of greatest need. Families with whom we could spend the weekend/ go for a trip/ or have a simple weekend or anytime dinner.
Someone who will not mind babysitting my kids or would not think twice before letting their kids have a pajama party in my house. Where formality would not be allowed or expected.
Someone who will not mind holding my kid's hand while I shop in peace. Someone with whom I will not quarrel to pay the bill or my share of dinner in a hotel, or would be equally comfortable doing frequent dutch meals. We could together rant away to glory and not be judged but supported and also neither would the subject(s) of the rant be judged. They are the sort of friends whom you will call up and inform the important, unimportant, exciting and random events of your life- because each of you would understand exactly why the event is interesting to you. My friend AD called me up to tell me that she got her copies of Jeffery Archer books signed by the author himself, after standing in a long queue. She called me exactly for this reason because she simply had to share that elation she felt after shaking hands with the author incarnate.
I have seen friends who routinely take my kids out for a drive or indulge them with their favourite snack - when one does it once or twice it could be ajudged as just a formality- but doing it regularly does mean something.
All of us need family friends like these where both spouses can connect else it becomes difficult to continue the friendship.
On this note I count my blessings that there are a lot of kind souls out there who genuinely take interest in my kids.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Boy or Girl
"Do you want a boy or a girl?"
Almost every parent-to-be has been confronted with this dirty question. The poor parent of today especially in India has no choice but to reply in politically correct terms- I have not given it a thought, anything would be ok or I have no problem as long as it is a healthy baby...
Then there are the ones who do serious guess work looking at the size and elevation of the stomach. Family members predict the gender based on the horoscope. Like my Mom was told that we girls were born because of her (bad) luck because my Dad had boys in his destiny. Notwithstanding the fact that the person who told her had more number of daughters than sons.
Like I got a reaction from unexpected quarters- kahin do ladkiyan na ho jaye ( Hopefully you don't have 2 girls). Since the reasons behind the statement were wrong, I did not like it at all.
Yet another person said that hope you don't have 2 boys because boys are unmanageable.
Then there was a guess work from someone who did not know that I was carrying twins- definitely boy - the tummy is so big!
Now what is this all about hoping and wishing on my and my husband's behalf? It is all upto us what we want and what we don't right? Why is someone else concerned. What if I had wanted 2 boys wouldn't I have cursed this lady to hell for wishing I didn't have 2 boys?
I don't know what people get with asking such questions. Do they really expect answers? They may be talking shop just for the sake of conversation but those comments made me fiercely protective of whatever child I was carrying. Why should my unborn child be inflicted with wishes of preferred gender?
Well, inspite of myself, I used to corner hubby with this question. Since we were expecting twins, we could dare to wish for the best of both worlds- a boy and a girl. Infact we did not want to give Destiny a chance of any other combination because on one go, our options were going to close, in our context.
But then I used to take a tougher stance with hubby. What if you have the option of either 2 boys or 2 girls only. My husband would answer 2 girls. Then I would remind him - what about cricket? Who will talk cricket with you then? He immediately answered- then 2 boys!
When I introspect, the very reason I want a girl is to have a life long companion for gossiping, girly talks, bitching, shopping expeditions, discussing the latest fashion, reading similar genres of books. To me, daughters are like soul mates to the mother. They will bear with you till your doddering end. I am literally scared that I will have nobody to turn to at that crucial juncture when I badly want to connect. Probably a man feels the same about wishing for a boy. A back-slapping buddy who will enjoy the same stuff, have man-to-man talk with him, and ultimately become a companion over boyish exploits. This need to connect with the same gender is primitive.
A neighbour used to say- I am very clear I want to have a boy. I don't want my child to go through these troubles of being a woman. Very clear about her wishes and not afraid to speak it out loud. I respect her for that.
I really don't think there is anything wrong in parents wanting a baby of a particular gender. Tomorrow when my children are going to read this, I don't want them to think that I love them less because one of them is not a girl. It was just a wish to be blessed with having both experiences. For days after they were born, I could not believe that one of them is not a girl because I was sort of sure that it is going to be that way. But it does not mean that I love them less.
Probably in the Indian context it is easier for one to say wish I had atleast one girl and not hurt any sentiments. But had it been the other way round, if they were both girls and I would have been going all over the place telling wish one of them was a boy, it would have hurt sentiments and activists perhaps making them feel I am regretting not giving birth to a male child. People would have sniggered- oh, a modern, educated woman is speaking like this and setting a bad example.
My question again- is it so wrong to wish for a particular gender? Probably yes in the Indian context.
So can we make a beginning by not judging any parent who says that they want a boy baby?
Almost every parent-to-be has been confronted with this dirty question. The poor parent of today especially in India has no choice but to reply in politically correct terms- I have not given it a thought, anything would be ok or I have no problem as long as it is a healthy baby...
Then there are the ones who do serious guess work looking at the size and elevation of the stomach. Family members predict the gender based on the horoscope. Like my Mom was told that we girls were born because of her (bad) luck because my Dad had boys in his destiny. Notwithstanding the fact that the person who told her had more number of daughters than sons.
Like I got a reaction from unexpected quarters- kahin do ladkiyan na ho jaye ( Hopefully you don't have 2 girls). Since the reasons behind the statement were wrong, I did not like it at all.
Yet another person said that hope you don't have 2 boys because boys are unmanageable.
Then there was a guess work from someone who did not know that I was carrying twins- definitely boy - the tummy is so big!
Now what is this all about hoping and wishing on my and my husband's behalf? It is all upto us what we want and what we don't right? Why is someone else concerned. What if I had wanted 2 boys wouldn't I have cursed this lady to hell for wishing I didn't have 2 boys?
I don't know what people get with asking such questions. Do they really expect answers? They may be talking shop just for the sake of conversation but those comments made me fiercely protective of whatever child I was carrying. Why should my unborn child be inflicted with wishes of preferred gender?
Well, inspite of myself, I used to corner hubby with this question. Since we were expecting twins, we could dare to wish for the best of both worlds- a boy and a girl. Infact we did not want to give Destiny a chance of any other combination because on one go, our options were going to close, in our context.
But then I used to take a tougher stance with hubby. What if you have the option of either 2 boys or 2 girls only. My husband would answer 2 girls. Then I would remind him - what about cricket? Who will talk cricket with you then? He immediately answered- then 2 boys!
When I introspect, the very reason I want a girl is to have a life long companion for gossiping, girly talks, bitching, shopping expeditions, discussing the latest fashion, reading similar genres of books. To me, daughters are like soul mates to the mother. They will bear with you till your doddering end. I am literally scared that I will have nobody to turn to at that crucial juncture when I badly want to connect. Probably a man feels the same about wishing for a boy. A back-slapping buddy who will enjoy the same stuff, have man-to-man talk with him, and ultimately become a companion over boyish exploits. This need to connect with the same gender is primitive.
A neighbour used to say- I am very clear I want to have a boy. I don't want my child to go through these troubles of being a woman. Very clear about her wishes and not afraid to speak it out loud. I respect her for that.
I really don't think there is anything wrong in parents wanting a baby of a particular gender. Tomorrow when my children are going to read this, I don't want them to think that I love them less because one of them is not a girl. It was just a wish to be blessed with having both experiences. For days after they were born, I could not believe that one of them is not a girl because I was sort of sure that it is going to be that way. But it does not mean that I love them less.
Probably in the Indian context it is easier for one to say wish I had atleast one girl and not hurt any sentiments. But had it been the other way round, if they were both girls and I would have been going all over the place telling wish one of them was a boy, it would have hurt sentiments and activists perhaps making them feel I am regretting not giving birth to a male child. People would have sniggered- oh, a modern, educated woman is speaking like this and setting a bad example.
My question again- is it so wrong to wish for a particular gender? Probably yes in the Indian context.
So can we make a beginning by not judging any parent who says that they want a boy baby?
Sunday, May 18, 2008
The Whispered Secrets Are Out
I composed thoughts im my head after every post I read on the subject. A lot has been said & I do not want to repeat them.
Of the top of my mind, my thoughts:
On Hinduism & its practices
I would not want to question the practices of Hinduism or any other religion as one can really not venture into this area with the hope of finding answers. Any given ritual could be actually logical or accidental or completely foolish or irrelevant in today’s world. Anyway, for argument’s sake- how many of us has seen God? Yet we pray, we believe, we have faith and adhere to practices.
And yes, feet are definitely a big deal here…
Therefore we regard books as Saraswati and Gold as Laxmi and mark our respect by not touching it with the foot. Where Knowledge & Wealth is concerned, I will rather err on the side of caution and not take my chances. While we were taught to mark our respect to elders by touching their feet or prostrating before them in some cultures, we were also told to ask forgiveness if our feet accidentally hit against elders.
Will I teach my children the same? Yes, but I would leave it to them to decide and form their own set of practices when the time comes. We all are talking about pro-choice here and that is the most heartening to note, despite arguments and difference of opinions.
And for the records, Hindus do worship all parts of the woman’s body- yes, even the part that shoots the babies out- check out Chinnamasta Devi or the Kamakhya temple in Assam.
And yes, the first time I visited Chinnamasta devi temple- I was – well I can’t tell right? There, I have talked about the M-word in the same vein as religion.
I did refrain from directly touching the puja stuff during those essential 5 days yet I went by my own convenience and no one need be the wiser until today when I have put it out in the open.
And touching pickles- well, we anyway don’t touch them with clean/ unclean/ wet hands/ spoon so what’s the big deal? And making pickles – I definitely don’t see it happening even on regular days so of no relevance to me.
We have time and again discussed among friends the strange ritual of celebrating the coming of age in some communities. Our usual responses were – how shameful, how uncomfortable, or how lucky to be gifted gold on the occasion and how sad that we got none. A school of thought also said that it is our right to celebrate this day because it is conclusive evidence that we women can make babies henceforth.
On my part, I have categorically refused to gift gold on such occasion the only time I have been asked. Pro-choice right!
So in a country that celebrates the coming of age, why is it such a shame to talk of it?
Why is considered dirty if one happens to stain herself or the seat she is on?
Yes, it is unhygienic and maybe offensive to some– as unhygienic(?) as anyone’s blood oozed of a minor cut is- but shameful?
A friend of mine (hostel roomate) carried a used napkin with her in the bag in our college trip because she was too ashamed to throw it in the hotel dustbin. But the same girl did not think twice before leaving it on the chair in our hostel room- because according to her what is so dirty about it- it’s wrapped up right?
Yet again, my double standards come into play- I wouldn’t touch that chair with a barge pole after that- until it has been washed.
But yes, I am finicky about certain things like nose booger and dirty feet on my bed and hand washing after leaving the toilet and yes, used napkins and try as much I cannot come off it. Yes, I have washed off stains left by others on my sofa- but definitely not with pleasure.
There was a time when we purchased sanitary napkins discretely and the shopkeeper would wrap it up in a newspaper and hand it over to us, equally discretely. I remember once desperately roaming the streets to find an empty pharmacy or some store with a woman at the counter to buy my supply of the napkin. And today (gasp), I buy it at the supermarket after spending hours comparing the brands and pack sizes and the –most important- discounts.
And I would take my chance to fight for our cause- why is this all so important product so expensive?
I end my disjointed thoughts here.
Since I am not lucky enough to have a daughter- I would leave behind a thought for my sons- to be kind and considerate to women at all times whether or not they are menstruating. If I have to tell them that women are Laxmi or Saraswati or Shakti to make them appreciate this fact- well I will do that, until they are old enough to fully appreciate what I mean. I will teach them to respect women for what they are rather than for what they wear or how they look or what size of the so called assets they have.
Of the top of my mind, my thoughts:
On Hinduism & its practices
I would not want to question the practices of Hinduism or any other religion as one can really not venture into this area with the hope of finding answers. Any given ritual could be actually logical or accidental or completely foolish or irrelevant in today’s world. Anyway, for argument’s sake- how many of us has seen God? Yet we pray, we believe, we have faith and adhere to practices.
And yes, feet are definitely a big deal here…
Therefore we regard books as Saraswati and Gold as Laxmi and mark our respect by not touching it with the foot. Where Knowledge & Wealth is concerned, I will rather err on the side of caution and not take my chances. While we were taught to mark our respect to elders by touching their feet or prostrating before them in some cultures, we were also told to ask forgiveness if our feet accidentally hit against elders.
Will I teach my children the same? Yes, but I would leave it to them to decide and form their own set of practices when the time comes. We all are talking about pro-choice here and that is the most heartening to note, despite arguments and difference of opinions.
And for the records, Hindus do worship all parts of the woman’s body- yes, even the part that shoots the babies out- check out Chinnamasta Devi or the Kamakhya temple in Assam.
And yes, the first time I visited Chinnamasta devi temple- I was – well I can’t tell right? There, I have talked about the M-word in the same vein as religion.
I did refrain from directly touching the puja stuff during those essential 5 days yet I went by my own convenience and no one need be the wiser until today when I have put it out in the open.
And touching pickles- well, we anyway don’t touch them with clean/ unclean/ wet hands/ spoon so what’s the big deal? And making pickles – I definitely don’t see it happening even on regular days so of no relevance to me.
We have time and again discussed among friends the strange ritual of celebrating the coming of age in some communities. Our usual responses were – how shameful, how uncomfortable, or how lucky to be gifted gold on the occasion and how sad that we got none. A school of thought also said that it is our right to celebrate this day because it is conclusive evidence that we women can make babies henceforth.
On my part, I have categorically refused to gift gold on such occasion the only time I have been asked. Pro-choice right!
So in a country that celebrates the coming of age, why is it such a shame to talk of it?
Why is considered dirty if one happens to stain herself or the seat she is on?
Yes, it is unhygienic and maybe offensive to some– as unhygienic(?) as anyone’s blood oozed of a minor cut is- but shameful?
A friend of mine (hostel roomate) carried a used napkin with her in the bag in our college trip because she was too ashamed to throw it in the hotel dustbin. But the same girl did not think twice before leaving it on the chair in our hostel room- because according to her what is so dirty about it- it’s wrapped up right?
Yet again, my double standards come into play- I wouldn’t touch that chair with a barge pole after that- until it has been washed.
But yes, I am finicky about certain things like nose booger and dirty feet on my bed and hand washing after leaving the toilet and yes, used napkins and try as much I cannot come off it. Yes, I have washed off stains left by others on my sofa- but definitely not with pleasure.
There was a time when we purchased sanitary napkins discretely and the shopkeeper would wrap it up in a newspaper and hand it over to us, equally discretely. I remember once desperately roaming the streets to find an empty pharmacy or some store with a woman at the counter to buy my supply of the napkin. And today (gasp), I buy it at the supermarket after spending hours comparing the brands and pack sizes and the –most important- discounts.
And I would take my chance to fight for our cause- why is this all so important product so expensive?
I end my disjointed thoughts here.
Since I am not lucky enough to have a daughter- I would leave behind a thought for my sons- to be kind and considerate to women at all times whether or not they are menstruating. If I have to tell them that women are Laxmi or Saraswati or Shakti to make them appreciate this fact- well I will do that, until they are old enough to fully appreciate what I mean. I will teach them to respect women for what they are rather than for what they wear or how they look or what size of the so called assets they have.
Friday, March 28, 2008
About the Patna Home
Home is what a person makes of it. It’s about people and not about the place. The hostel or the quarters that we loved so much and considered as our homes or the school we were so “at-home” with is no longer the same. Go back to your school after years, you will find that the teachers are different, the setting is different and the mood is different. It is no longer yours. It is all about people and not the place.
Patna- my hometown, where my grandparents lived- both sets. I have always loved to holiday at my maternal grandparents’ home. Whereas if we were to stay at my paternal grandparents’ home, separated by 15-20 minutes drive and a railway crossing (bridge today) from maternal home, I used to not be very pleased. It’s not that I hated being there. Children don’t do hate. They just don’t enjoy or like things very much. I had a lot of affection for my grandparents but just that I enjoyed my stay in the maternal home more- why, would be a subject of another post.
In 2006, my Mom who had just moved over to the paternal home a year back after Dad’s retirement invited us to come over for a 2 month stay as I was on my maternity leave. To tell you the truth, I was apprehensive. For one thing, I hadn’t been there for a stay since perhaps 1996 after my grandma’s death and after grandpa died the house was put up for rent and I had taken a flying visit in 2004 just to look up the place and get the mangoes plucked. The place was in a mess. The tenants had mucked up the entire house and it looked dreary and not at all inviting.
Moreover there had been thefts atleast three times and I was not the least bit comfortable about going there. Infact for atleast 2 years I had pestered my parents to sell the place and look for a place in Delhi or Chennai. I simply did not want to visit them in Patna.
My mom assured me that we will like being there. With many grains of salt and doubts I went to Patna for a holiday with the kids (the husband joined later on). The true meaning of home is what people make of it dawned on me then. Mom had really in the words of my Dad's sister - “naksha badal diya thaa”- she had changed the whole house and made it ergonomically and aesthetically sensible and inviting.
The front balcony was grilled for safety and a mini sitting area created there with garden chairs and table.
The drawing room had 2 sofa sets and carpet instead of the usual 6 chairs in my grandma’s time.
The inner lobby was recreated with a study table, diwan and a book case converted into showcase/ crockery rack and decorative stuff on the top. All rooms were furnished with beds & curtains. 
The kitchen was redone with marble and the kitchen top extended to create more workspace. The store area was provided with a small table for placing stuff and a larder in addition to the shelves that were already there. The table was also used as a mini dining area by my kids last year. The dining room was redone- putting a crockery rack, a diwan because the huge dining room was also a socialization centre, tables for electrical equipment. 
The puja area was shifted from the dining room floor to the bedroom – a mini puja area created using a small cupboard. The backyard was cleaned up and plants planted. The bathrooms were redone and geysers, A/C and inverters provided. Mom made the best of waste and impressed people with the way she utilized space. The place is today much live-able and I look forward to going there now. Only thing I need to be smart enough to go in winter or pre-winter to escape load shedding and the heat! Adding to the pluses of a comfortable home which is not stifling like an apartment, I had never realized the huge shopping potential the place had. I have lightened my bank balance the last 3 visits I have done, to a great extent. You would have read about it. Let’s face it- Patna doesn’t have fast food joints, good restaurants but I binged on Mithais, home cooked food from parents & grandparents /Mama-Mami’s homes and had a lot of Bihari home-made snacks. Patna does not have branded wear or shopping malls but I freaked out on Saris, dress material and cheap but decorative sandals. As you know, take me to any part of the world and I can manage to shop, I more than managed there.
Patna- my hometown, where my grandparents lived- both sets. I have always loved to holiday at my maternal grandparents’ home. Whereas if we were to stay at my paternal grandparents’ home, separated by 15-20 minutes drive and a railway crossing (bridge today) from maternal home, I used to not be very pleased. It’s not that I hated being there. Children don’t do hate. They just don’t enjoy or like things very much. I had a lot of affection for my grandparents but just that I enjoyed my stay in the maternal home more- why, would be a subject of another post.
In 2006, my Mom who had just moved over to the paternal home a year back after Dad’s retirement invited us to come over for a 2 month stay as I was on my maternity leave. To tell you the truth, I was apprehensive. For one thing, I hadn’t been there for a stay since perhaps 1996 after my grandma’s death and after grandpa died the house was put up for rent and I had taken a flying visit in 2004 just to look up the place and get the mangoes plucked. The place was in a mess. The tenants had mucked up the entire house and it looked dreary and not at all inviting.
Moreover there had been thefts atleast three times and I was not the least bit comfortable about going there. Infact for atleast 2 years I had pestered my parents to sell the place and look for a place in Delhi or Chennai. I simply did not want to visit them in Patna.
My mom assured me that we will like being there. With many grains of salt and doubts I went to Patna for a holiday with the kids (the husband joined later on). The true meaning of home is what people make of it dawned on me then. Mom had really in the words of my Dad's sister - “naksha badal diya thaa”- she had changed the whole house and made it ergonomically and aesthetically sensible and inviting.
The front balcony was grilled for safety and a mini sitting area created there with garden chairs and table.
The drawing room had 2 sofa sets and carpet instead of the usual 6 chairs in my grandma’s time. The inner lobby was recreated with a study table, diwan and a book case converted into showcase/ crockery rack and decorative stuff on the top. All rooms were furnished with beds & curtains. The kitchen was redone with marble and the kitchen top extended to create more workspace. The store area was provided with a small table for placing stuff and a larder in addition to the shelves that were already there. The table was also used as a mini dining area by my kids last year. The dining room was redone- putting a crockery rack, a diwan because the huge dining room was also a socialization centre, tables for electrical equipment. The puja area was shifted from the dining room floor to the bedroom – a mini puja area created using a small cupboard. The backyard was cleaned up and plants planted. The bathrooms were redone and geysers, A/C and inverters provided. Mom made the best of waste and impressed people with the way she utilized space. The place is today much live-able and I look forward to going there now. Only thing I need to be smart enough to go in winter or pre-winter to escape load shedding and the heat! Adding to the pluses of a comfortable home which is not stifling like an apartment, I had never realized the huge shopping potential the place had. I have lightened my bank balance the last 3 visits I have done, to a great extent. You would have read about it. Let’s face it- Patna doesn’t have fast food joints, good restaurants but I binged on Mithais, home cooked food from parents & grandparents /Mama-Mami’s homes and had a lot of Bihari home-made snacks. Patna does not have branded wear or shopping malls but I freaked out on Saris, dress material and cheap but decorative sandals. As you know, take me to any part of the world and I can manage to shop, I more than managed there.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Safety
The Security at my workplace was instructed to give me a sticker for my car- one reminding me to wear my seat belt and the other not to use mobile while driving.
Thank you site manager for reminding me to be safe for my sake and for the sake of my family.
For reminding me that a machine at my disposal is to be used responsibly and carefully. For reminding me that safety is not a joke. I, an educated, responsible, adult should have known better.
How do I expect to set a good example to my kids when I am not doing the right thing? So ultimately it boils down to practice what you preach.
So, for every troll that attempts to push me towards the side and overtake me, I say better safe than sorry, no panga with idiots who have nothing to lose. I chew my pride and allow them to pass.
A colleague recalled an incident where driving through a snowed road, the car skidded and the back seat passanger who was without the seat belt got ejected out of the back windshield.
Thank you site manager for reminding me to be safe for my sake and for the sake of my family.
For reminding me that a machine at my disposal is to be used responsibly and carefully. For reminding me that safety is not a joke. I, an educated, responsible, adult should have known better.
How do I expect to set a good example to my kids when I am not doing the right thing? So ultimately it boils down to practice what you preach.
So, for every troll that attempts to push me towards the side and overtake me, I say better safe than sorry, no panga with idiots who have nothing to lose. I chew my pride and allow them to pass.
A colleague recalled an incident where driving through a snowed road, the car skidded and the back seat passanger who was without the seat belt got ejected out of the back windshield.
Many years ago, a bus hit our stationery vehicle from behind and the car dashed against a truck loaded with bamboo poles a few metres ahead.
Seat belt facts
- If unrestrained in a crash at 30mph, you will be thrown forward with a force up to 60 times your own body weight
- Adjust the seat properly. Place the lap belt as low as possible over the hips – not over the abdomen. Ensure the shoulder belt lies on the chest and over the shoulder. Do not leave any slack in the belt
- Do not interfere with the correct function of the seatbelt by fitting any comfort devices that are not recommended by your vehicle manufacturer
- Use seatbelts even when travelling at low speeds or going on a short trip
- Chances of being killed are almost 25 times greater if one is thrown from the vehicle
- The forces in a collision can be great enough to throw one as far as 150 feet – about 15 car lengths
- Seatbelts can keep one from:
-Plunging through the windscreen
-Being thrown out the door and hurled through the air
-Scraping along the ground
-Being crushed by own vehicle or oncoming vehicle - In almost any collision, one is better off being held inside the vehicle by seatbelts
- Less than ½% of all injury-producing collisions involve fire or submersion. If fire or submersion does occur, wearing a seatbelt can save one's life.
- If involved in a crash without seatbelt, one might be stunned or knocked unconscious by striking the interior of the car. Then the chances of getting out would be far less.
- One's better off wearing the seatbelt at all times. With seatbelts, one's more likely to be unhurt, alert and capable of escaping quickly.
- While wearing the seat belt, when reaching for things that will take one away from the steering wheel, it’s safer to pull off the road at an appropriate location
- Holding the driver firmly, the seatbelt gives him the chance to keep control of his vehicle and prevents him from getting ejected off the vehicle
- In incidents involving heavy goods vehicles, the major cause of injury is contact with the interior of the cab. Wearing a seatbelt significantly reduces this risk
- Edited to add a tip from Suki- in case your car is upside down after an accident, the seat belt should be opened by pressing the button and pulling on the belt at the same time. Just the release button might not work in those circumstances.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Allowances
A colleague once told me, never buy stuff for your kids in front of them. It makes them think everything can be bought if you fuss hard enough. Buy things for them when they are not observing. A part of me agrees and a part does not. I can imagine kids just loading stuff at random in the shopping bag, expecting parents to pay for them at the counter. Easy!
Why kids, sometimes I feel less guilty while paying via credit card compared to when the bank notes leave my purse. Or when hubby pays for something, I feel less concerned than when I pay for it, even though my money is my money and his money is also my money!
On the other hand, how else one teaches the value of money to kids? Or is it fair to inflict the worries of money matters on the kids? I remember when Dad used to talk of salaries getting delayed I used to worry sick how he will run the family. I remember filling up the annual income in admission forms and back calculating whether it is sufficient to pay for our needs. With limited understanding of savings, I used to worry unnecessarily. I really cannot decide which is the right way to balance it and convey the message that they are secure, they need not worry about issues for which they are too young but also not be totally oblivious to the ways of the world.
That brings me to the subject of allowances. Should I give pocket money to the kids or let them ask and I buy for them, thereby exercising control over where they put their money? Sue wrote an interesting post which talked about how she used her allowances and how thy grew as she grew.
At what age is it right to give allowances? I remember not having regular pocket money because I never felt the need to buy anything for myself. Hubby talks of getting "bus-money" of which he used save some by the weekend due to round figure fare issues and how they used to buy a treat for themselves with it. Does pocket money teach kids how to make that rupee go farther or do they just fritter it away in excesses?
Suppose I go by the principle of buying on request basis. What are my choices?
Do I buy whatever they request or do I ration them out?
Some of the allowed and not allowed stuff I have in mind based on what kids usually ask for would be-
1. Books/ Magazines- definitely allowed but rationed to an extent. First they need to exhaust other options like library- school & local, friends and internet. I will allow a few subscribed magazines/ comics, the rest could be read on the net. Collectibles like asterix, tintin, amar chitra katha, Enid Blytons allowed but I will try to make them hunt for a good bargain. Since I am a book freak myself, I am generous about it but calculated too. I will encourage them to build their own library because I know the joys of reading and re-reading books.
2. Clothes/ Shoes- Allowed not just for birthdays or festivals. Something I cannot control because we both are clothes horses ourselves. We don't wait for occassions but buy as we like it. Most of us have been encouraged to wear clothes/ shoes till they get completely worn out. We were taught to preserve new clothes and use them ultra- sparingly until we realized that it has gone out of fashion or we have grown out of it and we never managed to wear them to our heart's content. Today I realize that is not the best way to do it. Apparances do matter and grooming is important. I would like to encourage my kids to understand that, so that they don't end up being totally devoid of interest towards self-maintenance- kind of "badshauk". I have seen people who wear their ordinary clothes for a wedding or the most out-of-date style regularly because they do not want to give them up. Instead of controlling numbers, I will perhaps focus on getting better bargains, have a fair mix of varieties and keep an eye out for discarding stuff that start "looking old". Replenish on need basis rather than occassion basis. and buy sensible rather than outrageously expensive.
3. Toys/ Games- Heavily rationed unless they are educational- like kalaiedoscope/ monopoly, scrabble or game of skill like carrom, chess etc. I will wait for birthdays to get them as gifts- may be drop heavy hints to allow people to buy them before I take the money out of my purse. A big no-no for game CDs unless they want to make a career out of them. A few allowed as stress- busters but no excesses on that.
4. Food/ Treats/ Chocolates/ Snacks- Allowed - We both are shameless foodies. But here's the deal- no control on any fruit they want, no control on home made stuff- cakes, desserts, snacks, eggs, milk products, home made juices. But serious objection if they are used to substitute the regular meals. As long as they have healthy meals, they can freak out on snacks in-between. Any new snack will be tasted, experimented and judged. Being from the food industry, I want them to develop a taste for and relish all kinds of food so I have no objection for trying any new product. They can select what they want to eat but quantities will be rationed. Chocolates will be rationed on weekly basis, same for packed juices/ cakes. A monthly or fortnightly meal outside with family allowed.
5. Memberships/ Communities/ Signing for Extra curricular activities- Allowed if related to books, sports, quizzing, performing arts, community work etc as long as it does not interfere in their regular activities and is not over or dangerous. If a group of friends want to take off on their own for a trip, I may not allow that unless we are convinced it is worth it or unless they are old enough. Agreed travel widens the perspective, makes one independent but I have to allow that based on thir age and how responsible they are.
6. Music/ Video CD's/ DVD's- Allowed but a few months after the release, if they still want it. I will encourage them to buy the original stuff and not go around downloading because I want thm to enjoy and appreciate quality sound and listening experience rather than listen just for the sake of listening.
They say kids have a lot of pester power in major household purchases. This lot is getting smarted day by day. So how as a parent am I going to match their step and still exercise control is the question.
Why kids, sometimes I feel less guilty while paying via credit card compared to when the bank notes leave my purse. Or when hubby pays for something, I feel less concerned than when I pay for it, even though my money is my money and his money is also my money!
On the other hand, how else one teaches the value of money to kids? Or is it fair to inflict the worries of money matters on the kids? I remember when Dad used to talk of salaries getting delayed I used to worry sick how he will run the family. I remember filling up the annual income in admission forms and back calculating whether it is sufficient to pay for our needs. With limited understanding of savings, I used to worry unnecessarily. I really cannot decide which is the right way to balance it and convey the message that they are secure, they need not worry about issues for which they are too young but also not be totally oblivious to the ways of the world.
That brings me to the subject of allowances. Should I give pocket money to the kids or let them ask and I buy for them, thereby exercising control over where they put their money? Sue wrote an interesting post which talked about how she used her allowances and how thy grew as she grew.
At what age is it right to give allowances? I remember not having regular pocket money because I never felt the need to buy anything for myself. Hubby talks of getting "bus-money" of which he used save some by the weekend due to round figure fare issues and how they used to buy a treat for themselves with it. Does pocket money teach kids how to make that rupee go farther or do they just fritter it away in excesses?
Suppose I go by the principle of buying on request basis. What are my choices?
Do I buy whatever they request or do I ration them out?
Some of the allowed and not allowed stuff I have in mind based on what kids usually ask for would be-
1. Books/ Magazines- definitely allowed but rationed to an extent. First they need to exhaust other options like library- school & local, friends and internet. I will allow a few subscribed magazines/ comics, the rest could be read on the net. Collectibles like asterix, tintin, amar chitra katha, Enid Blytons allowed but I will try to make them hunt for a good bargain. Since I am a book freak myself, I am generous about it but calculated too. I will encourage them to build their own library because I know the joys of reading and re-reading books.
2. Clothes/ Shoes- Allowed not just for birthdays or festivals. Something I cannot control because we both are clothes horses ourselves. We don't wait for occassions but buy as we like it. Most of us have been encouraged to wear clothes/ shoes till they get completely worn out. We were taught to preserve new clothes and use them ultra- sparingly until we realized that it has gone out of fashion or we have grown out of it and we never managed to wear them to our heart's content. Today I realize that is not the best way to do it. Apparances do matter and grooming is important. I would like to encourage my kids to understand that, so that they don't end up being totally devoid of interest towards self-maintenance- kind of "badshauk". I have seen people who wear their ordinary clothes for a wedding or the most out-of-date style regularly because they do not want to give them up. Instead of controlling numbers, I will perhaps focus on getting better bargains, have a fair mix of varieties and keep an eye out for discarding stuff that start "looking old". Replenish on need basis rather than occassion basis. and buy sensible rather than outrageously expensive.
3. Toys/ Games- Heavily rationed unless they are educational- like kalaiedoscope/ monopoly, scrabble or game of skill like carrom, chess etc. I will wait for birthdays to get them as gifts- may be drop heavy hints to allow people to buy them before I take the money out of my purse. A big no-no for game CDs unless they want to make a career out of them. A few allowed as stress- busters but no excesses on that.
4. Food/ Treats/ Chocolates/ Snacks- Allowed - We both are shameless foodies. But here's the deal- no control on any fruit they want, no control on home made stuff- cakes, desserts, snacks, eggs, milk products, home made juices. But serious objection if they are used to substitute the regular meals. As long as they have healthy meals, they can freak out on snacks in-between. Any new snack will be tasted, experimented and judged. Being from the food industry, I want them to develop a taste for and relish all kinds of food so I have no objection for trying any new product. They can select what they want to eat but quantities will be rationed. Chocolates will be rationed on weekly basis, same for packed juices/ cakes. A monthly or fortnightly meal outside with family allowed.
5. Memberships/ Communities/ Signing for Extra curricular activities- Allowed if related to books, sports, quizzing, performing arts, community work etc as long as it does not interfere in their regular activities and is not over or dangerous. If a group of friends want to take off on their own for a trip, I may not allow that unless we are convinced it is worth it or unless they are old enough. Agreed travel widens the perspective, makes one independent but I have to allow that based on thir age and how responsible they are.
6. Music/ Video CD's/ DVD's- Allowed but a few months after the release, if they still want it. I will encourage them to buy the original stuff and not go around downloading because I want thm to enjoy and appreciate quality sound and listening experience rather than listen just for the sake of listening.
They say kids have a lot of pester power in major household purchases. This lot is getting smarted day by day. So how as a parent am I going to match their step and still exercise control is the question.
Monday, March 03, 2008
On How Much is Too Much
The blogosphere is discussing about the priviledges wrt education across timespans.
Here I record my two-bit on the subject.
Three decades ago, the only concern for parents was all-girls/ boys school or co-ed school among the so many convent schools in a town like mine. You either take that or end up in a co-ed government school. A metro was more advanced in the sense, public schools and co-education was the accepted norm and the debate was always between the merits of either kind and the fantastic class X results that each school boasted of every year. The fight was between CBSE and ICSE with or without State Board added to the pool. But in Bihar, State board was not even discussed as an option.
Teaching methods were not debated. The syllabi was not debated and standard of teachers were a given or rather expected to be the best considering the ranking of the school in the city.
Today, the parameters have changd. The bar has moved. And the factors that go into selecting a school for our child has changed. We have a school for your child depending upon the method of education you want for your child. We have a school for montessory philosophy, another for regular, another for academic-bent school and another for holistic- philosophy. To each his own.
Loosly comparing it to any product in the market, the consumers have a choice of specifications (variants) to play with but not enough volume of schools(production), branches (SKU's) or seats (capacity). Today it is not enough that you register your child when the time comes. It is not even enough if you go there when your child is 6 months old. You end up in the waiting list. You need to register when you are carrying your child. Then you can be assured of a seat. We faced this- we had gone in 2006 for admission in 2009 and were waitlisted and a friend got admission for her unborn kid but not the kid who was of age for nursery. There are other schools of normal fees structure that will admit students within 5-km radius only. Fair enough for those who live within that radius! And there are others where we pay exorbitant sums and then confer with the Delhi/ Mumbai counterparts and breath a sigh of relief that the scene in Chennai is not as bad as other cities and consider ourselves lucky. Let's leave out the logistics, availibility and finances of admissions and park these thoughts here for the moment- more so because getting the right school according to my perspective within our affordibility bracket has been relatively easier.
My perspective about selecting the right school is driven out of other factors, some shallow and some profound like-
1. Do I feel a kinship with the surroundings? Will I like going back to it everyday for a large and the most important part of my life? Will my face light up with anticipation each day when I walk in here? I am assuming that if I like it, my kids will also like it, considering that they are too young to decide for themselves. This is my first factor because this is what my school meant to me. I loved the space, I loved the building, the classrooms, the playground. I loved it when it was hot and I loved it when it was raining and we walked under the trees teeth chattering under our umbrellas and in our raincoats. Chatting nineteen to a dozen while boarding our buses to go back home. We loved the sand pit and we loved sitting under or climbing on the mango trees (the fruits of which we were strictly forbidden to pluck). Well, I eat my words, even if Ojas & Tejas cannot decide for themselves, they can definitely express their comfort or otherwise. Ojas has definitely taken to the idea and Tejas is still suspicious about the school. What was most heartening was that kids were refusing to go home after school and parents had to literally cajole and coax them to go home! That's my idea of a good school.
2. What is the quality of teachers? Their commitment levels? Are they teaching because they are passionate about teaching or because they have to? Probably I am trying to be idealistic but really, such people do exist. A colleague mentioned a teacher in The School who was so commited to teach there that he returned from abroad to join as a gardener until they had a vacancy for him. My ex-CEO used to take training workshops for the employees and clearly his energy and passion for people development was evident. Such people are rare but they exist and even a handful of such teachers will make a difference. Not that I can judge that from outside or reading the prospectus but I am hoping word-of-mouth and grapevine will alert me. And there will be a lot of PTA opportunities for me to judge. Today, a parent is not a parent of the student but also a consumer, a brand ambassador and more. A parent is expected to participate in the child's education not just be mute spectators or help with craft/ needlework stuff. This school assures that PTA meetings are also meant to take our voice to the administration. I am hopeful. Rather than shaking in my shoes at PTA's fearing what they will feedback on my children, I am hopeful I will look forward to the opportunity of a constructive interaction.
3. Holistic rather than completely academic - We used to be told, pay attention to your studies and don't participate in all extra-curriculars. If you are weak in a subject, keep working hard over it. Today the methodologies have changed. We are talking about focusing on our strengths and managing our weaknesses. We are talking about uncovering and tapping into our talents and following our passions. For parents who wish that their child focuses on academics, have endless tests to take and practice till they are perfected for the boards, there are options. But for parents like me who wish for more than just studies, there are options again. I have not been great shakes at anything other than academics. My school gave opportunities in the form of annual days and cultural days but no more than that. The school which I have chosen for the kids offer opportunities to take classes of choice and appoint instructors to train. They promote movie viewing on some Fridays and do a lot of activity and project based sessions- hands on, experimental and experiential, so to speak. I am not for a moment trying to disregard my education. It was the best of the lot in the city, a respected school and had earned a name for board results and quality of teachers. But today, we can do better than that. To me, a child is a mass of clay waiting to be moulded into shape. And we parents are facilitators or enablers helping the clay take it' s shape. The child needs the right opportunities that we parents can direct towards them. As parents, it is our duty to ensure that the opportunity is given, what the child does out of that depends on his ability, talent and willingness. But as a parent, I will strive towards getting the suitable opportunities available to him. Again it will be what we think as a right opportunity until the child can think for himself. Prodigies do exist but they are few in number. For the moment, I am not taking any risk and covering all possibilities. Giving my children more options so that when the time comes, they can choose between careers rather than be able to think of only doctor or engineering.
4. Infrastructure- We cannot escape technology. Any school that cannot keep up with the latest is out. Computers were in the nascent stage towards the end of my school life. Today kids know what a laptop is before classifying a PC as another computer. (Educational) toys in my time meant picture boards, mugs to pour water into a bucket (and believe me I refused to do that out of shyness in KG class), a rocking horse but today we have choice. Is the school keeping up? I would expect it to.
A friend congratulated me on the "huge investment" we have done- she meant school admissions. Well, the fees is definitely more than the other schools but the distance between the other best school that I had registered is not so much. And if that extra money gives me a self satisfaction, I am all for it. This school has a feel-good factor that I was looking for and that's enough for me. I am shallow probably but that's about it. And after all, how choosy can one get?
Here I record my two-bit on the subject.
Three decades ago, the only concern for parents was all-girls/ boys school or co-ed school among the so many convent schools in a town like mine. You either take that or end up in a co-ed government school. A metro was more advanced in the sense, public schools and co-education was the accepted norm and the debate was always between the merits of either kind and the fantastic class X results that each school boasted of every year. The fight was between CBSE and ICSE with or without State Board added to the pool. But in Bihar, State board was not even discussed as an option.
Teaching methods were not debated. The syllabi was not debated and standard of teachers were a given or rather expected to be the best considering the ranking of the school in the city.
Today, the parameters have changd. The bar has moved. And the factors that go into selecting a school for our child has changed. We have a school for your child depending upon the method of education you want for your child. We have a school for montessory philosophy, another for regular, another for academic-bent school and another for holistic- philosophy. To each his own.
Loosly comparing it to any product in the market, the consumers have a choice of specifications (variants) to play with but not enough volume of schools(production), branches (SKU's) or seats (capacity). Today it is not enough that you register your child when the time comes. It is not even enough if you go there when your child is 6 months old. You end up in the waiting list. You need to register when you are carrying your child. Then you can be assured of a seat. We faced this- we had gone in 2006 for admission in 2009 and were waitlisted and a friend got admission for her unborn kid but not the kid who was of age for nursery. There are other schools of normal fees structure that will admit students within 5-km radius only. Fair enough for those who live within that radius! And there are others where we pay exorbitant sums and then confer with the Delhi/ Mumbai counterparts and breath a sigh of relief that the scene in Chennai is not as bad as other cities and consider ourselves lucky. Let's leave out the logistics, availibility and finances of admissions and park these thoughts here for the moment- more so because getting the right school according to my perspective within our affordibility bracket has been relatively easier.
My perspective about selecting the right school is driven out of other factors, some shallow and some profound like-
1. Do I feel a kinship with the surroundings? Will I like going back to it everyday for a large and the most important part of my life? Will my face light up with anticipation each day when I walk in here? I am assuming that if I like it, my kids will also like it, considering that they are too young to decide for themselves. This is my first factor because this is what my school meant to me. I loved the space, I loved the building, the classrooms, the playground. I loved it when it was hot and I loved it when it was raining and we walked under the trees teeth chattering under our umbrellas and in our raincoats. Chatting nineteen to a dozen while boarding our buses to go back home. We loved the sand pit and we loved sitting under or climbing on the mango trees (the fruits of which we were strictly forbidden to pluck). Well, I eat my words, even if Ojas & Tejas cannot decide for themselves, they can definitely express their comfort or otherwise. Ojas has definitely taken to the idea and Tejas is still suspicious about the school. What was most heartening was that kids were refusing to go home after school and parents had to literally cajole and coax them to go home! That's my idea of a good school.
2. What is the quality of teachers? Their commitment levels? Are they teaching because they are passionate about teaching or because they have to? Probably I am trying to be idealistic but really, such people do exist. A colleague mentioned a teacher in The School who was so commited to teach there that he returned from abroad to join as a gardener until they had a vacancy for him. My ex-CEO used to take training workshops for the employees and clearly his energy and passion for people development was evident. Such people are rare but they exist and even a handful of such teachers will make a difference. Not that I can judge that from outside or reading the prospectus but I am hoping word-of-mouth and grapevine will alert me. And there will be a lot of PTA opportunities for me to judge. Today, a parent is not a parent of the student but also a consumer, a brand ambassador and more. A parent is expected to participate in the child's education not just be mute spectators or help with craft/ needlework stuff. This school assures that PTA meetings are also meant to take our voice to the administration. I am hopeful. Rather than shaking in my shoes at PTA's fearing what they will feedback on my children, I am hopeful I will look forward to the opportunity of a constructive interaction.
3. Holistic rather than completely academic - We used to be told, pay attention to your studies and don't participate in all extra-curriculars. If you are weak in a subject, keep working hard over it. Today the methodologies have changed. We are talking about focusing on our strengths and managing our weaknesses. We are talking about uncovering and tapping into our talents and following our passions. For parents who wish that their child focuses on academics, have endless tests to take and practice till they are perfected for the boards, there are options. But for parents like me who wish for more than just studies, there are options again. I have not been great shakes at anything other than academics. My school gave opportunities in the form of annual days and cultural days but no more than that. The school which I have chosen for the kids offer opportunities to take classes of choice and appoint instructors to train. They promote movie viewing on some Fridays and do a lot of activity and project based sessions- hands on, experimental and experiential, so to speak. I am not for a moment trying to disregard my education. It was the best of the lot in the city, a respected school and had earned a name for board results and quality of teachers. But today, we can do better than that. To me, a child is a mass of clay waiting to be moulded into shape. And we parents are facilitators or enablers helping the clay take it' s shape. The child needs the right opportunities that we parents can direct towards them. As parents, it is our duty to ensure that the opportunity is given, what the child does out of that depends on his ability, talent and willingness. But as a parent, I will strive towards getting the suitable opportunities available to him. Again it will be what we think as a right opportunity until the child can think for himself. Prodigies do exist but they are few in number. For the moment, I am not taking any risk and covering all possibilities. Giving my children more options so that when the time comes, they can choose between careers rather than be able to think of only doctor or engineering.
4. Infrastructure- We cannot escape technology. Any school that cannot keep up with the latest is out. Computers were in the nascent stage towards the end of my school life. Today kids know what a laptop is before classifying a PC as another computer. (Educational) toys in my time meant picture boards, mugs to pour water into a bucket (and believe me I refused to do that out of shyness in KG class), a rocking horse but today we have choice. Is the school keeping up? I would expect it to.
A friend congratulated me on the "huge investment" we have done- she meant school admissions. Well, the fees is definitely more than the other schools but the distance between the other best school that I had registered is not so much. And if that extra money gives me a self satisfaction, I am all for it. This school has a feel-good factor that I was looking for and that's enough for me. I am shallow probably but that's about it. And after all, how choosy can one get?
Friday, February 15, 2008
Toying with Toys
I was not a very big fan of buying toys for kids. Books is my way of pleasing a child. After my kids were born, a lot of people gifted toys for them. There were cheap quality toys, expensive ones, educational ones, puzzles, modelling sets, dolls, vehicles and so on. I never saw any real use to it until I started looking at the literature they provided. These used to be a catalogue of other products and these catalogues harped on the educative nature of the toys.
That really set me thinking that toys are not just for playing without any learning, albeit they give a child a lot of room to play act and pretend and also induce arly knowledge of varoius things. For example one will teach kids this is a dog but not this is a dalmatian unless you hav a model of a dalmatian. A car could be a car or a mercedes depending upon the model you have. It is not that I want my children to rote learn whatever I tell them but it is a question of making the most of a mind that is always hungry for information and knowledge. I want to create memories via toys and send them to make believe world via play acting. Playing with toys in a way could become as educative as reading books.
I have recently picked up a set of animal model toys for Ojas & Tejas. I think it is one of the better toys that I have bought for them. I do a lot of stories around the toy animals for them and the excitement on their faces is worth watching. My mom picked a set of gas stove, cups, plates and vessels. They make endless cups of coff-fee & unlimited buffet of Duffa (dosa) for us on that. Mom also gave them miniature chakla-belan for their make belief rotis.
Off course puzzles have a special place in my heart for sheer reason that one needs to apply the mind to get it right and it keeps the kids occupied for some time as long as I applaud them at regular intervals.
Play doh is another personal favourite and so also is the building blocks. But Ojas & Tejas have not yet made full use of them, perhaps they are too young for such toys.
But anything that has wheels, be it etikoppa, metal, plastic, broken or in perfect working order, is a hit.
Football, soft ball, plastic ones, rubber ones, bouncing ones, a kid can never have enough of that too. My Dad had picked up one air filled one that has the alphabets with corresponding pictures on them. That proved to be a big success with both of them not only as a skill testing device but also because they could play the game of letting the air out and asking us to blow it to size again. (Rs 25 only at a China bazaar). Infact hubby had made it a practice to pick up souvenir football from each country he visited (and a flag for himself)
They used to have the mobile that you hang in the crib and wind up. There was a set of dalmatians and another one with butterfly and catterpillar. after they outgrew the mobile, I have saved the individual pieces of dogs and butterflies and those are still serving them well.
There is a bowling set my sis got for them. They take the bowling pins and carry them all over the house in the glass-less side tables.
They love their sand kit- truck and use it for loading their favourite color pencils or potatoes or sand.
They had a set of mugs that built into a tower. The tower never got built but the individual mugs are used well in their personal swimming pool.
Ojas loves his large size dalmatian soft toy (calls it Duggi) and Tejas loves anothr small brown dog and calls it Huggies (Duggi's companion in Pondicherry- will post pics of the 2 later).
From a hard-core toy-opposer, I have become an ardent toy-scouter. Always on the look out for anything interesting for them.
But given a chance, the type of toys my kids would play most willingly would be empty containers / cream bottles, their potty, pouring water from glass to bowl via a spoon, cheapest quality toys, broken parts of toys, the measuring cup of their medicines, straw, basically anything that is wierd or broken or does not qualify as a legitimate toy.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
On Books I can't Enjoy
The last 2 months I forced myself to read a few books some, of which I had been wanting to read for a long while. Big names like Inheritence of Loss, Namesake and also a chance find Danielle Steele's Passions Promise.
I had to literally force myself to read them. There was no sense of excitement only curiosity on how it will end. I skipped sections, read the end first and then came back to where I had left. Infact I did not even manage to finish a quarter of the Inheritence of Loss. It is pending just for the sake of crossing it off my list of must reads.
Either they are really monotonous or brilliant and I am unable to appreciate them or they are not my type. Probably the last one, because, felicitations and all, they have been enjoying great reviews by a large section of the book reading public.
If one wants to just read about someones (not so extra-ordinary) life over double digit chapters, I agree they are well written from the language and continuity point of view. A story spanning across 2 generations capsuled into a book. But beyond that, I could see nothing. And it has been good enough to be made into a movie, which again I decided not to watch after a few scenes. Commonalities on all the 3 books / movie was that there was nothing gripping or page-turner for me. Purely a question of interest and choice.
I need a book to be exciting, something that keeps me guessing, makes me want to read the end but I stop myself so as not to spoil the fun, makes me want to reach the end and when I do reach the end, I sigh with a mix of contentment because it was a well written story and sorrow because the story is over. A book should make me want to know what next even after the last chapter has been read. My type of book is something which I want to read over and over again and still have my nose buried into it because it is still interesting despite multiple reads. I am the Jeffery Archer/ Sidney Sheldon/ O'Henry/ Somerset/ Maupassant types. May be not elite enough but I definitely look for a book that is fast paced, a 100m sprint in spirit but a marathon in length. I don't want to know about each and every mole on the protagonist's face neither the unneccesary details on the precise number of minutes he or she spent in the shower. Just enough for me to visualize the landscape and characters of the books. Beyond that, just get to the point, straight and fast.
What type of books make you tick?
Do you re-read books? Out of interest or for lack of a better rading material?
Am I the only dumb-ass to not like award-winning type books? Or there are some more of my kind out there?
I had to literally force myself to read them. There was no sense of excitement only curiosity on how it will end. I skipped sections, read the end first and then came back to where I had left. Infact I did not even manage to finish a quarter of the Inheritence of Loss. It is pending just for the sake of crossing it off my list of must reads.
Either they are really monotonous or brilliant and I am unable to appreciate them or they are not my type. Probably the last one, because, felicitations and all, they have been enjoying great reviews by a large section of the book reading public.
If one wants to just read about someones (not so extra-ordinary) life over double digit chapters, I agree they are well written from the language and continuity point of view. A story spanning across 2 generations capsuled into a book. But beyond that, I could see nothing. And it has been good enough to be made into a movie, which again I decided not to watch after a few scenes. Commonalities on all the 3 books / movie was that there was nothing gripping or page-turner for me. Purely a question of interest and choice.
I need a book to be exciting, something that keeps me guessing, makes me want to read the end but I stop myself so as not to spoil the fun, makes me want to reach the end and when I do reach the end, I sigh with a mix of contentment because it was a well written story and sorrow because the story is over. A book should make me want to know what next even after the last chapter has been read. My type of book is something which I want to read over and over again and still have my nose buried into it because it is still interesting despite multiple reads. I am the Jeffery Archer/ Sidney Sheldon/ O'Henry/ Somerset/ Maupassant types. May be not elite enough but I definitely look for a book that is fast paced, a 100m sprint in spirit but a marathon in length. I don't want to know about each and every mole on the protagonist's face neither the unneccesary details on the precise number of minutes he or she spent in the shower. Just enough for me to visualize the landscape and characters of the books. Beyond that, just get to the point, straight and fast.
What type of books make you tick?
Do you re-read books? Out of interest or for lack of a better rading material?
Am I the only dumb-ass to not like award-winning type books? Or there are some more of my kind out there?
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Brand Me- My Name
Piecing together disjointed thoughts
A wise man said that the beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names. When a child is born, parents go through great lengths to select the appropriate name for their child. All goes well for a girl until she gets married. She is supposed and expected to change her surname and adopt her husband's name or surname. While for men, the same does not hold true in the patriarchal society. Infact, come to think of it, men do not have too many hassles except for seemingly changing allegiance from one woman to another- the mother to the wife, shifting from one breast to another!
For women, a whole lot of decisions to make, emotions to consider, people to answer to- whether she should sport the various signs of marriage, what dress she should wear in the presence of whom, whether it is compulsary to use the bindi, flowers, bangles, and also the automatic assumption that the name must change.
I have nothing against the signs of marriage. Infact I myself display them proudly, solely because I like having them on me, not because I have to please my husband. If my mangalsutra does not go well with my attire, I don't wear it, and when I do wear it, it is displayed and not hidden behind my clothing. I don't do flowers but I do bangles- lots of them. It's all a matter of preference and liking rather than compulsion. I don't judge people who don't wear them and I don't bother to explain to anyone why I take the trouble to wear them.
I never did change my name officially. For all practical purpose, I still hold my maiden name. Call it asserting my feminity or importance by holding on to the surname of one man (father) rather than another (husband) - which is a contradiction of sorts- a woman (and a man too) still needs to back her name with a man's name no matter how modern she may be.
I did not change my name apart from practical reasons, because in South, there is no concept of family name/surname. You have to hold on to your father's name or husband's name resulting in a mixed bag of feminine and masculine name as your name unless the man's name is a generic sounding one- which was not to my taste at all. Moreover there was this practical problem of official documents, emails, etc. I hate confusion of any sort.
For all my blog related work, I attach my husband's name as (sheepish look on my face) it is numerologically lucky and it sounds cool to have a pen name (high hopes!).
I have had hilarious mistakes- we being called as Mr & Mrs (my surname) by doctors, travels and sundry others.
I have encountered annoying questions- why are you not changing your name- why the hell should I or rather why the hell should I answer you. I don't think in this day and age this topic discussed between a much older person and today's generation will lead to satisfactory answers for both.
I have been asked whether (my surname) is my husband. Why don't you ask me straight- what is your husband's name, rather than asking yes/no questions.
Sanjay Leela Bhansali has attached his mother's name to his. A very sweet gesture. Probably I would have liked my daughter to contain my name in hers using a play of letters and words- wishful thinking! Not because I want to defy tradition, but because it is a nice feeling. Just like how any parent wants the child to look like him/her.
Hubby and I have had our discussions on my name stance- girls love adopting their husband's name- why not me. My argument is my love does not lessen or increase based on whether I take his name. I know he will love it if I adopt his name but I like the fact that he is liberal about his views on my preferences across the signs of marriage (name included).
Most of the time I live for today and I have a right to change my mind if tomorrow my idealogies and views change. Until then, it is status quo.
A wise man said that the beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names. When a child is born, parents go through great lengths to select the appropriate name for their child. All goes well for a girl until she gets married. She is supposed and expected to change her surname and adopt her husband's name or surname. While for men, the same does not hold true in the patriarchal society. Infact, come to think of it, men do not have too many hassles except for seemingly changing allegiance from one woman to another- the mother to the wife, shifting from one breast to another!
For women, a whole lot of decisions to make, emotions to consider, people to answer to- whether she should sport the various signs of marriage, what dress she should wear in the presence of whom, whether it is compulsary to use the bindi, flowers, bangles, and also the automatic assumption that the name must change.
I have nothing against the signs of marriage. Infact I myself display them proudly, solely because I like having them on me, not because I have to please my husband. If my mangalsutra does not go well with my attire, I don't wear it, and when I do wear it, it is displayed and not hidden behind my clothing. I don't do flowers but I do bangles- lots of them. It's all a matter of preference and liking rather than compulsion. I don't judge people who don't wear them and I don't bother to explain to anyone why I take the trouble to wear them.
I never did change my name officially. For all practical purpose, I still hold my maiden name. Call it asserting my feminity or importance by holding on to the surname of one man (father) rather than another (husband) - which is a contradiction of sorts- a woman (and a man too) still needs to back her name with a man's name no matter how modern she may be.
I did not change my name apart from practical reasons, because in South, there is no concept of family name/surname. You have to hold on to your father's name or husband's name resulting in a mixed bag of feminine and masculine name as your name unless the man's name is a generic sounding one- which was not to my taste at all. Moreover there was this practical problem of official documents, emails, etc. I hate confusion of any sort.
For all my blog related work, I attach my husband's name as (sheepish look on my face) it is numerologically lucky and it sounds cool to have a pen name (high hopes!).
I have had hilarious mistakes- we being called as Mr & Mrs (my surname) by doctors, travels and sundry others.
I have encountered annoying questions- why are you not changing your name- why the hell should I or rather why the hell should I answer you. I don't think in this day and age this topic discussed between a much older person and today's generation will lead to satisfactory answers for both.
I have been asked whether (my surname) is my husband. Why don't you ask me straight- what is your husband's name, rather than asking yes/no questions.
Sanjay Leela Bhansali has attached his mother's name to his. A very sweet gesture. Probably I would have liked my daughter to contain my name in hers using a play of letters and words- wishful thinking! Not because I want to defy tradition, but because it is a nice feeling. Just like how any parent wants the child to look like him/her.
Hubby and I have had our discussions on my name stance- girls love adopting their husband's name- why not me. My argument is my love does not lessen or increase based on whether I take his name. I know he will love it if I adopt his name but I like the fact that he is liberal about his views on my preferences across the signs of marriage (name included).
Most of the time I live for today and I have a right to change my mind if tomorrow my idealogies and views change. Until then, it is status quo.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Live Shows
They make me cry...
I cry for the winner.
I cry for the loser.
I cry for their family.
I cry for their mentors.
And life is difficult at that point of time because I am busy trying to hide the tears from the co-viewers.
I cry because I see myself and how I felt at times of disappointment, no matter how little.
I cry when I imagine what it would be like if my kids faced a major disappointment.
I wonder what Harshit felt...standing there, so close yet so far. If he could just reach out and take the trophy away for himself?
What he could have felt like doing, just so that he could reverse the final few moments in his favour.
He had just said that winning did not matter, but it does, doesn't it?
But for that matter, isn't it the hunt that matters more than the kill?
They live in our minds until the chase is on. After that, they are just one among the many in the race for the best.
Frankly I don't even remember the names of the previous Live show winners- and those were household names until the show was on!
I cry for the winner.
I cry for the loser.
I cry for their family.
I cry for their mentors.
And life is difficult at that point of time because I am busy trying to hide the tears from the co-viewers.
I cry because I see myself and how I felt at times of disappointment, no matter how little.
I cry when I imagine what it would be like if my kids faced a major disappointment.
I wonder what Harshit felt...standing there, so close yet so far. If he could just reach out and take the trophy away for himself?
What he could have felt like doing, just so that he could reverse the final few moments in his favour.
He had just said that winning did not matter, but it does, doesn't it?
But for that matter, isn't it the hunt that matters more than the kill?
They live in our minds until the chase is on. After that, they are just one among the many in the race for the best.
Frankly I don't even remember the names of the previous Live show winners- and those were household names until the show was on!
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Talking About the Facts of Life
When is the right time to have that talk with the kids? A question that parents are faced for generations. Some avoid it altogether, some do it right before the kid is getting married, some rely upon older siblings or friends to do it for them. Mad Momma discussed the pros and cons of doing it too early and it set me thinking. She has a set of questions, which I attempt to answer for myself.
Speaking for myself- we learnt it when we were in class 10- we had a seminar - sort of prayer meeting plus facts of life thing.. we were not clear beforehand on what it is supposed to be exactly though... I guess the principal should have given a brief outline on what to expect. In a very clinical way, the priest/father explained the whole thing and most of us were kind of shocked that all the respectable and even the meek looking elders do it this way!! I am talking of a time 16 years ago - in a christian school, small town and all- we were pretty victorian and goody goody. Later on sidney sheldons / jeffery archers drove the whole idea into the mind and the shock sort of wore off!!
But today's context is different, the kids know more and faster than any of us did in our time and may be the right time may chance upon us much before we actually expect. By this post, I would like to prepare myself for it so that the chance is not sprung upon me and I miss the bus due to lack of preparedness.
A lot of importance is given to physical closeness for atleast the 1st 2 years of a baby's life. It is said that physical bonding goes a long way in developing confidence among children and therefore the massages and even a bath along with the infant helps.
Slowly we begin to discourage them from walking into our rooms when we are changing explaining privacy and "shame shame- puppy shame". This becomes a buzz word- if in school your knickers are seen- it is "haww shame shame". If the teacher's strap or a classmate's undergarment ouline is visible through the dress, again it is a matter of interest and becomes the talk of the town. A lot of "shame" is attached to exposure and slowly it becomes a dirty word altogether. Once they grow up, we make them unlearn that there is no "Shame" it is all natural and what you have is nothing different from what the rest of the world has. Kind of confusing is it not?
When to start asking kids to move out when you are changing- I guess after 2 years, it would be a good idea to start changing out of their view and when they begin to understand, start explaining the idea of privacy. I would do it more for my comfort level- I wouldn't want them to remember me in my birthday suit. No right or wrong debate here- it is just what I feel is right.
Name it right- I would rather use the right word for the body part rather than any rude or euphemised nick name for it. I would want them to be comfortable with human body and not feel that any part is dirty or shameful. But I would like to let the idea sink in that it is not socially acceptable to bare it all. Just like it is socially acceptable to cough or sneeze in public but not to fart or burp impolitely.
When to Talk about It- I like the way MM puts it- not to get ideas into their head prematurely. I am hoping I will know when the kids are ready for the knowledge. A time will come when they will realize that this is a doubt that needs to be clarified. At that time I will find a way to do it.
If I had a daughter I would have explained the concept of periods and what is the logic of women having it and not men. And gradually I would have given her the talk, making it casual yet important enough to make it a mother to daughter thing.
As for the boys, they get introduced to porn pretty soon via their friends/ net etc. I will perhaps make my husband talk about it the moment we feel my kids are ready for it- probably class 8th or before - depends when the time comes we will know it- I am relying on my instincts. The tone of the talk should be the role that men play in baby making and how it is a responsibility and not a matter of superiority or a thing to take advantage of. If I could teach my boys to treat women with respect, I would feel like a succesful parent. In our family, boys are taught that the girl/ woman is Laxmi, to be treated with respect and to be cared for and protected. I am not trying to put it in chivalrous or chauvinistic light but such a sentiment goes a long way in fostering respect for women in the boys.
Should Schools Talk about It- Definitely- school is where we get our basic knowledge and why not this- may be the biology teacher or the principal or some teacher of stature should be doing it. I do not believe that girls should be given sex education separately from boys but may be they could hold a separate/ anonymous question- answer session for them - perhaps they may not be very comfortable asking questions in front of the opposite sex. I remember there used to be extreme discomfort and rude cracks from the boys when the reproductive system chapter used to be taught.
Siblings Sharing Room- I wouldn't say no to it. During my wedding, we slept on the floor- girls in separate room and boys in the hall along more due to lack of space than propreity. We cheeky lot allowed our cousin to come in and give his wife company, promising that we will keep our eyes shut! Among our cousins, our comfort level is very high so probably it worked for us and may not work for everyone. We will take it as it comes. But principally, I am not against it.
We come from a mentality where even going to the loo or girls saying that I am going to the loo is something to be ashamed of or laughed at. During my geology college trip, our professors locked the boys in the bus so that we could take advantage of the privacy to do the bushes. But none of us admitted what we were doing! Today I casually tell my colleagues that I need to go to the loo. One even coolly remarked, "ghar se kar ke nahin aati ho aur airport par mujhe wait karati ho."
Speaking for myself- we learnt it when we were in class 10- we had a seminar - sort of prayer meeting plus facts of life thing.. we were not clear beforehand on what it is supposed to be exactly though... I guess the principal should have given a brief outline on what to expect. In a very clinical way, the priest/father explained the whole thing and most of us were kind of shocked that all the respectable and even the meek looking elders do it this way!! I am talking of a time 16 years ago - in a christian school, small town and all- we were pretty victorian and goody goody. Later on sidney sheldons / jeffery archers drove the whole idea into the mind and the shock sort of wore off!!
But today's context is different, the kids know more and faster than any of us did in our time and may be the right time may chance upon us much before we actually expect. By this post, I would like to prepare myself for it so that the chance is not sprung upon me and I miss the bus due to lack of preparedness.
A lot of importance is given to physical closeness for atleast the 1st 2 years of a baby's life. It is said that physical bonding goes a long way in developing confidence among children and therefore the massages and even a bath along with the infant helps.
Slowly we begin to discourage them from walking into our rooms when we are changing explaining privacy and "shame shame- puppy shame". This becomes a buzz word- if in school your knickers are seen- it is "haww shame shame". If the teacher's strap or a classmate's undergarment ouline is visible through the dress, again it is a matter of interest and becomes the talk of the town. A lot of "shame" is attached to exposure and slowly it becomes a dirty word altogether. Once they grow up, we make them unlearn that there is no "Shame" it is all natural and what you have is nothing different from what the rest of the world has. Kind of confusing is it not?
When to start asking kids to move out when you are changing- I guess after 2 years, it would be a good idea to start changing out of their view and when they begin to understand, start explaining the idea of privacy. I would do it more for my comfort level- I wouldn't want them to remember me in my birthday suit. No right or wrong debate here- it is just what I feel is right.
Name it right- I would rather use the right word for the body part rather than any rude or euphemised nick name for it. I would want them to be comfortable with human body and not feel that any part is dirty or shameful. But I would like to let the idea sink in that it is not socially acceptable to bare it all. Just like it is socially acceptable to cough or sneeze in public but not to fart or burp impolitely.
When to Talk about It- I like the way MM puts it- not to get ideas into their head prematurely. I am hoping I will know when the kids are ready for the knowledge. A time will come when they will realize that this is a doubt that needs to be clarified. At that time I will find a way to do it.
If I had a daughter I would have explained the concept of periods and what is the logic of women having it and not men. And gradually I would have given her the talk, making it casual yet important enough to make it a mother to daughter thing.
As for the boys, they get introduced to porn pretty soon via their friends/ net etc. I will perhaps make my husband talk about it the moment we feel my kids are ready for it- probably class 8th or before - depends when the time comes we will know it- I am relying on my instincts. The tone of the talk should be the role that men play in baby making and how it is a responsibility and not a matter of superiority or a thing to take advantage of. If I could teach my boys to treat women with respect, I would feel like a succesful parent. In our family, boys are taught that the girl/ woman is Laxmi, to be treated with respect and to be cared for and protected. I am not trying to put it in chivalrous or chauvinistic light but such a sentiment goes a long way in fostering respect for women in the boys.
Should Schools Talk about It- Definitely- school is where we get our basic knowledge and why not this- may be the biology teacher or the principal or some teacher of stature should be doing it. I do not believe that girls should be given sex education separately from boys but may be they could hold a separate/ anonymous question- answer session for them - perhaps they may not be very comfortable asking questions in front of the opposite sex. I remember there used to be extreme discomfort and rude cracks from the boys when the reproductive system chapter used to be taught.
Siblings Sharing Room- I wouldn't say no to it. During my wedding, we slept on the floor- girls in separate room and boys in the hall along more due to lack of space than propreity. We cheeky lot allowed our cousin to come in and give his wife company, promising that we will keep our eyes shut! Among our cousins, our comfort level is very high so probably it worked for us and may not work for everyone. We will take it as it comes. But principally, I am not against it.
We come from a mentality where even going to the loo or girls saying that I am going to the loo is something to be ashamed of or laughed at. During my geology college trip, our professors locked the boys in the bus so that we could take advantage of the privacy to do the bushes. But none of us admitted what we were doing! Today I casually tell my colleagues that I need to go to the loo. One even coolly remarked, "ghar se kar ke nahin aati ho aur airport par mujhe wait karati ho."
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Gifts Galore
The birthday is fast approaching and my one big worry is how to handle the gift issue that comes with every guest you invite. I dread the quantity of gifts that will come in and I have no space to keep them.
I cannot control the number of guests because irrespective of the guest list, all kids of the complex will walk in for any party. More than that, all kids are friendly with Ojas & Tejas and I do not have the heart or will to restrict the guests to thir age group.
Weekend Fodder (4 days holiday can be considered as an extended weekend!)
I cannot control the number of guests because irrespective of the guest list, all kids of the complex will walk in for any party. More than that, all kids are friendly with Ojas & Tejas and I do not have the heart or will to restrict the guests to thir age group.
Weekend Fodder (4 days holiday can be considered as an extended weekend!)
- Is it rude to say "no gifts" on the invitation?
- Is it ok to foster the idea of gifts being part of any celebration and therefore condition the kids to expect gifts during birthdays
- As my friend AD rightly says- what is a birthday without gifts- is it not ok to teach them that gifts are one way of showing care and it is ok to expect and give gifts and nothing greedy about waiting eagerly to get them during birthdays.
- Infact the "iski kya zaroorat thee" (there was no need to bring gift) mentality is a no-no - one must gracefully accept and express delight because there is a joy in giving too and a thought behind that really matters.
- In light of global warming, is it ok to pass on gifts that you don't need - repack and gift it to someone else? Let it not waste away in storage. Lot of people do mention that it is something I got and cannot make use of it so I am passing it on to you. But they top it up with another gift they have bought so as to not look mean not having bought something for a gift.
- Or charity would be the better option? come to think of it, is it not a kind of forced charity- because you can neither gift, nor use nor store so the last option is giving away?
- What is the yardstick to measure the amount spent on a gift? Lot of people note down what gifts they received- record keeping is one reason but another reason often cited is so that you return in kind. Should I gift to match up with what someone gave us or should it depend upon my capacity? Is there a market rate for each occasion?
Friday, October 12, 2007
The Goddess in Us
The nation is worshipping Shakti- Goddess Durga this month. We worship women, regard them as Shakti, Laxmi, Saraswati.
Does the sentiment towards women end there or is that a beginning for something else?
We are talking of Gender bias, Gender Equality, Gender Empowerment, Equal opportunity irrespective of Gender. In true sense, what is the kind of equality are women looking at? Is it just equal opportunity and other corporate-ish terms but is there more it?
Is woman-friendly the word we are looking at, without giving extra advantage to women over men?
If I am asked in an interview whether I will quit after marriage or baby or whether I will move city if my husband moves, would I be pissed off at the interview stage itself with the company? Is it such a big deal? Why ask such obvious questions? Would they ask a man- if you get a better opportunity would you move on? As a woman, getting married and moving on to a different city with a scope of a better job might be a better opportunity in totality. Or once I have a baby, a work from home option or a company with flexi timing may be as good as a better opprtunity. Where as, to a man a better opportunity may be function of money, position, career growth only rather than all of the above. I have known women to reject grooms on grounds of they being stationed in locations where they cannot continue with their careers- miniscule numbers, but such women do exist.
Let's face it. Today nobody is looking at retiring from the same company where they started their careers. Having a man as a potential candidate for a position does not ensure that the vacancy will not crop again within a short period since the man will not quit due to marriage or childbirth. Moreover, if you as an organisation have decided to interview a candidate for the position, you better be prepared for the so called pitfalls of hiring a woman.
Weekend Fodder-
If you were the HR or even otherwise- what would you like to change in terms of your organisation to make it more woman friendly without giving women an unfair advantage over men? What is it that will be a selling point for the company in terms of women friendliness- policy, facility, infrastructure, anything, so that you will feel like accepting that job? What puts you off most in a woman unfriendly organisation?
Does the sentiment towards women end there or is that a beginning for something else?
We are talking of Gender bias, Gender Equality, Gender Empowerment, Equal opportunity irrespective of Gender. In true sense, what is the kind of equality are women looking at? Is it just equal opportunity and other corporate-ish terms but is there more it?
Is woman-friendly the word we are looking at, without giving extra advantage to women over men?
If I am asked in an interview whether I will quit after marriage or baby or whether I will move city if my husband moves, would I be pissed off at the interview stage itself with the company? Is it such a big deal? Why ask such obvious questions? Would they ask a man- if you get a better opportunity would you move on? As a woman, getting married and moving on to a different city with a scope of a better job might be a better opportunity in totality. Or once I have a baby, a work from home option or a company with flexi timing may be as good as a better opprtunity. Where as, to a man a better opportunity may be function of money, position, career growth only rather than all of the above. I have known women to reject grooms on grounds of they being stationed in locations where they cannot continue with their careers- miniscule numbers, but such women do exist.
Let's face it. Today nobody is looking at retiring from the same company where they started their careers. Having a man as a potential candidate for a position does not ensure that the vacancy will not crop again within a short period since the man will not quit due to marriage or childbirth. Moreover, if you as an organisation have decided to interview a candidate for the position, you better be prepared for the so called pitfalls of hiring a woman.
Weekend Fodder-
If you were the HR or even otherwise- what would you like to change in terms of your organisation to make it more woman friendly without giving women an unfair advantage over men? What is it that will be a selling point for the company in terms of women friendliness- policy, facility, infrastructure, anything, so that you will feel like accepting that job? What puts you off most in a woman unfriendly organisation?
Monday, October 08, 2007
Is there a Maid Made for me?? This one is to Support you Rohini
Rohini posted on her pillars of strenghts- her multitude of maids that help her get along with life.
There were comments and there were comments- the terms maid, the question on employing maids and the (un)fair treatment.
My many bits on the same to those who do not understand the intricacies of maid management.
1. Skill Check- If I were to not employ maids/ servant/ help/ cleaner /any other politically correctly termed personnel- I do the cleaning, washing, housework and become a maid in Itchyland with little or no time to spare for the men in my life- kids, hubby and myself. Hell, the rest of the men in my life would have never come into the picture if I had housework sitting on my head. And with my limited skills of jhaadoo pochaa, my home would have been a perennial mess. Going by pure management skills- outsource if you are not competent- I outsource that and employ employees for their skill set in home care and pay them as per the prevailing market/ neighbourhood rate.
2. Keeping a maid is economically viable- Given that if I were to do my own housework, I would have been kicked out of office for late coming and early leaving- my potential to earn in my current job is multiple times more than what I would have earned as a maid in my own house or what I spend on hiring an employee to work for me. Pure economic sense to hire a help.
3. Pros & Cons of a full time maid-
a) your cooking menu and recipe should match their likes and dislikes rather than the converse.
b) if you feel like skipping a meal/ cooking and doing with left overs/ bread/ nothing/ fruits- the maid does not allow it or rather you don't allow yourself because of the maid
c) If you live in a 2-bedroom/ bathroom house - it becomes a 1-bedroom/ bathroom house- automatically no one uses the other one because of the mess she makes and does not bother to clean up. Try and ask her to sleep in the hall if there are visitors- goodbye to late night/ gossip sessions with your guests
d) the refrigerator no longer belongs to you- all chocolates/ juice/ fruits/ milk/ eggs/ snacks vanish / disapparate - infact the foreign-chocolates are stashed in your cupboard or in the locked drawer in the living room for safe keeping. And you never get cold water for yourself.
e) You can't have a late night- she might complain to the agency that it disturbs her- since you are treating her as another family member, if there are visitors and your dinner gets delayed she ought to bear with the delayed dinner and not crib.
f) No more Privacy- cannot fight in peace with your spouse, cannot talk for fear of eavesdropping, can't have a quickie on the sofa (the price we pay for keeping fulltimers!!)
g) perennial worry of she letting someone inside your house while you are sleeping and therefore you are forever locking doors and walking with all the keys
g)The good part is there is no morning uncertainity, help on hand 24 by 7.
4. Pros & Cons of a Part time one- uncertainity- most of her relatives fall sick/ die/ marry very often. The refrigerator part holds true for part timers also. Atleast they are out of your hair by evening. Sometimes it is a pain locking all over and watching your back.
5. Even your cupboard is not yours anymore- 6 months ago- my sisters gold bangle, moms Rs 5K, MIL's Rs 2K vanished. 2 weeks ago I have noticed that a platinum bracelet worth sing $ 600 that Hubby got for my birthday is missing from my cupboard- I really don't know what to comment on this. Few minutes ago I was contemplating using hypnosis to find out where it is. You can't outright blame anyone because you have no proof.
6. The baby maid's duty is to boil the milk morning and evening- 1 evening I come back and happen to notice that the milk is way above the normal level, there is no cream and once emptied there was no cream settled at the bottom of the vessel- the milk boiling duty is summarily handed over to me and MIL and the refrigerator locked from access to the maid.
7. Refined oil- 1 litre over in 1 week without anyone using- every few days 1/4th used to go missing and cunningly done on the days MIL used to do some cooking. Later she said she uses gingelly oil only for her cooking.
8. Ojas is very clever in pointing out at people who hurt him. I strongly suspect one of the maids twisted his arm slightly because he suddenly started screaming and pointing at his arm and looking at the maid. She was the only one in the vicinity and he was coming on the way when she was cleaning the floor. But i had no proof to pull her up for that.
9. When the maids turn up late, we reach office late and have to manufacture new excuses everytime because you cannot always say maid did not come to your colleauges- sounds unprofessional and a blot on your managerial skills- one day they will start wishing that they had hired a man who will just not bother if maid does not turn up and will go along with their work.
10. You fix a maid as per time of arrival at work, work hours, job description, amneties- food/ tea etc. In my case for the house cum baby maid (until I could find and hire a baby maid) it was supposed to be 6 am to 8 am, return visit at 11 am to 2 pm so that the housework is done in the morning and she goes on to do the other houses and come back to help with the babies. I increased her salary proportionately and offered lunch. The lunch happened, salary happened, timing moved on to 7 then 7.30, then 8 and now 9 without consulting me. The baby maid was hired from 8.00 to 7.00 pm - It has become arrival anywhere between 9 and 10 am and going back sharp at 7. Earlier if I come home earlier and half day on weekends - all this without negotiating with me.
11. Only tea was agreed to because my MIL cannot be servicing their requirements all day. She gets her own food. Now they emotionally blackmail my MIL into doing dosas for them. If I happen to give them some food over the weekend they start bullying MIL during the week days to continue as I did- what the hell!
12. Advance happens every week inspite of agreeing on a monthly settlement.
13. They love to talk against me to MIL and against MIL to me- subtly offcourse-"don't you want to apply oil to the baby"- I say no. "Oh, Amma does it". I say- good, so I need not do it.
"Why is the bathroom dirty". "Amma used it". Expecting me to go and fight with MIL for leaving the bathroom floor dirty with foot marks. "I hired you to clean up the bathroom also, so why didn't you do it?" is what I say. Tyrannical it may sound but as it is my MIL is old and sick and taking care of 2 doubly troublesome is not an easy cake. So I can't expect her to do a non-messy job of everything.
14. They love to take weekends off- the only day when I can supervise the housekeeping, do some re-training and relax from my weekdays.
15. Inspite of 2 maids my home is dirty because they don't bother with the nitty grittys on the week days - dusting, cleaning the table...the works. They stand to attention on the weekends they manage to make an appearance and (re)lax on other days.
16. The baby maid sleeps when the babies sleep- Can I even begin to think about sleeping because I was awake the entire night feeding/ changing nappies / taking them to toilet/ getting them the bottle?
17. Method of hiring- word of mouth is by far the best- and better if they live close by and not depend on public transport. The agency took 1 month's salary and each one- 3 in succession worked for 1 month each- that was 2 agencies and 3 maids- because when 1 left, they never replaced and I had to go for another one. The last one lasted for 2 days and left along with the bangle and cash.
Infact each one takes a share - 1 set of new clothes of the kids are missing, dosa batter was missing apart from the big ones.
Inspite of all, I have never sacked a maid- the cost of looking for one is more- emotional costs included- stress, can't pay attention to work etc. Each time I vaguely think of changing a maid, they throw a googly upon me and quit and the good one dies (yes 1 did).
While the sympathies are with the maids (if car and cycle get hit, the car fellow is blamed even though it was the cyclist's fault), the maids take full advantage of the working women- and they don't fear anything- If they come late do you punish them by giving them a demotion or not paying bonus or giving them the pink slip? Will their career come to an end? Will you give them a pay cut? Come month end and you will pay full salary and give empty threats of cutting pay the next month for absence. We can have a leave policy for them if they manage to come for more than 20 days a month. They know they are indispensible and while they have multiple jobs on hand we do not have multiple maids on hand. And they get to work for many employers so lot of job security.
***The above may sound angsty, but I am angsty after the bracelet incident and will continue to be so until I magically find it because I have been talking of security camera, astrologer who can find out the thief, going to police, finger print checking etc very loudly...(hypnotism is the secret thought)
There were comments and there were comments- the terms maid, the question on employing maids and the (un)fair treatment.
My many bits on the same to those who do not understand the intricacies of maid management.
1. Skill Check- If I were to not employ maids/ servant/ help/ cleaner /any other politically correctly termed personnel- I do the cleaning, washing, housework and become a maid in Itchyland with little or no time to spare for the men in my life- kids, hubby and myself. Hell, the rest of the men in my life would have never come into the picture if I had housework sitting on my head. And with my limited skills of jhaadoo pochaa, my home would have been a perennial mess. Going by pure management skills- outsource if you are not competent- I outsource that and employ employees for their skill set in home care and pay them as per the prevailing market/ neighbourhood rate.
2. Keeping a maid is economically viable- Given that if I were to do my own housework, I would have been kicked out of office for late coming and early leaving- my potential to earn in my current job is multiple times more than what I would have earned as a maid in my own house or what I spend on hiring an employee to work for me. Pure economic sense to hire a help.
3. Pros & Cons of a full time maid-
a) your cooking menu and recipe should match their likes and dislikes rather than the converse.
b) if you feel like skipping a meal/ cooking and doing with left overs/ bread/ nothing/ fruits- the maid does not allow it or rather you don't allow yourself because of the maid
c) If you live in a 2-bedroom/ bathroom house - it becomes a 1-bedroom/ bathroom house- automatically no one uses the other one because of the mess she makes and does not bother to clean up. Try and ask her to sleep in the hall if there are visitors- goodbye to late night/ gossip sessions with your guests
d) the refrigerator no longer belongs to you- all chocolates/ juice/ fruits/ milk/ eggs/ snacks vanish / disapparate - infact the foreign-chocolates are stashed in your cupboard or in the locked drawer in the living room for safe keeping. And you never get cold water for yourself.
e) You can't have a late night- she might complain to the agency that it disturbs her- since you are treating her as another family member, if there are visitors and your dinner gets delayed she ought to bear with the delayed dinner and not crib.
f) No more Privacy- cannot fight in peace with your spouse, cannot talk for fear of eavesdropping, can't have a quickie on the sofa (the price we pay for keeping fulltimers!!)
g) perennial worry of she letting someone inside your house while you are sleeping and therefore you are forever locking doors and walking with all the keys
g)The good part is there is no morning uncertainity, help on hand 24 by 7.
4. Pros & Cons of a Part time one- uncertainity- most of her relatives fall sick/ die/ marry very often. The refrigerator part holds true for part timers also. Atleast they are out of your hair by evening. Sometimes it is a pain locking all over and watching your back.
5. Even your cupboard is not yours anymore- 6 months ago- my sisters gold bangle, moms Rs 5K, MIL's Rs 2K vanished. 2 weeks ago I have noticed that a platinum bracelet worth sing $ 600 that Hubby got for my birthday is missing from my cupboard- I really don't know what to comment on this. Few minutes ago I was contemplating using hypnosis to find out where it is. You can't outright blame anyone because you have no proof.
6. The baby maid's duty is to boil the milk morning and evening- 1 evening I come back and happen to notice that the milk is way above the normal level, there is no cream and once emptied there was no cream settled at the bottom of the vessel- the milk boiling duty is summarily handed over to me and MIL and the refrigerator locked from access to the maid.
7. Refined oil- 1 litre over in 1 week without anyone using- every few days 1/4th used to go missing and cunningly done on the days MIL used to do some cooking. Later she said she uses gingelly oil only for her cooking.
8. Ojas is very clever in pointing out at people who hurt him. I strongly suspect one of the maids twisted his arm slightly because he suddenly started screaming and pointing at his arm and looking at the maid. She was the only one in the vicinity and he was coming on the way when she was cleaning the floor. But i had no proof to pull her up for that.
9. When the maids turn up late, we reach office late and have to manufacture new excuses everytime because you cannot always say maid did not come to your colleauges- sounds unprofessional and a blot on your managerial skills- one day they will start wishing that they had hired a man who will just not bother if maid does not turn up and will go along with their work.
10. You fix a maid as per time of arrival at work, work hours, job description, amneties- food/ tea etc. In my case for the house cum baby maid (until I could find and hire a baby maid) it was supposed to be 6 am to 8 am, return visit at 11 am to 2 pm so that the housework is done in the morning and she goes on to do the other houses and come back to help with the babies. I increased her salary proportionately and offered lunch. The lunch happened, salary happened, timing moved on to 7 then 7.30, then 8 and now 9 without consulting me. The baby maid was hired from 8.00 to 7.00 pm - It has become arrival anywhere between 9 and 10 am and going back sharp at 7. Earlier if I come home earlier and half day on weekends - all this without negotiating with me.
11. Only tea was agreed to because my MIL cannot be servicing their requirements all day. She gets her own food. Now they emotionally blackmail my MIL into doing dosas for them. If I happen to give them some food over the weekend they start bullying MIL during the week days to continue as I did- what the hell!
12. Advance happens every week inspite of agreeing on a monthly settlement.
13. They love to talk against me to MIL and against MIL to me- subtly offcourse-"don't you want to apply oil to the baby"- I say no. "Oh, Amma does it". I say- good, so I need not do it.
"Why is the bathroom dirty". "Amma used it". Expecting me to go and fight with MIL for leaving the bathroom floor dirty with foot marks. "I hired you to clean up the bathroom also, so why didn't you do it?" is what I say. Tyrannical it may sound but as it is my MIL is old and sick and taking care of 2 doubly troublesome is not an easy cake. So I can't expect her to do a non-messy job of everything.
14. They love to take weekends off- the only day when I can supervise the housekeeping, do some re-training and relax from my weekdays.
15. Inspite of 2 maids my home is dirty because they don't bother with the nitty grittys on the week days - dusting, cleaning the table...the works. They stand to attention on the weekends they manage to make an appearance and (re)lax on other days.
16. The baby maid sleeps when the babies sleep- Can I even begin to think about sleeping because I was awake the entire night feeding/ changing nappies / taking them to toilet/ getting them the bottle?
17. Method of hiring- word of mouth is by far the best- and better if they live close by and not depend on public transport. The agency took 1 month's salary and each one- 3 in succession worked for 1 month each- that was 2 agencies and 3 maids- because when 1 left, they never replaced and I had to go for another one. The last one lasted for 2 days and left along with the bangle and cash.
Infact each one takes a share - 1 set of new clothes of the kids are missing, dosa batter was missing apart from the big ones.
Inspite of all, I have never sacked a maid- the cost of looking for one is more- emotional costs included- stress, can't pay attention to work etc. Each time I vaguely think of changing a maid, they throw a googly upon me and quit and the good one dies (yes 1 did).
While the sympathies are with the maids (if car and cycle get hit, the car fellow is blamed even though it was the cyclist's fault), the maids take full advantage of the working women- and they don't fear anything- If they come late do you punish them by giving them a demotion or not paying bonus or giving them the pink slip? Will their career come to an end? Will you give them a pay cut? Come month end and you will pay full salary and give empty threats of cutting pay the next month for absence. We can have a leave policy for them if they manage to come for more than 20 days a month. They know they are indispensible and while they have multiple jobs on hand we do not have multiple maids on hand. And they get to work for many employers so lot of job security.
***The above may sound angsty, but I am angsty after the bracelet incident and will continue to be so until I magically find it because I have been talking of security camera, astrologer who can find out the thief, going to police, finger print checking etc very loudly...(hypnotism is the secret thought)
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Teaching Methods
In the beginning, the teacher answers the questions, later (s)he questions the answers. My ex-Dean in MBA School used to say that.
My question, why shouldn't the teacher question the answers in the beginning itself?
Yesterday a friend's daughter was having trouble with a Profit & Loss Problem.
"A shopkeeper buys 200 shirts for Rs 180 each and sells 100 at a 10% profit. at what price should he sell the balance to make an overall of 15% profit"
She knew the answer but not the steps. I gave her the steps without actually solving it for her.
It is a question from arithmetic point of view. While I could solve it faster using algebra- (10% + x%)/ 2 = 15%.
But would the teacher award her marks if she solved it that way?
I explained alternate methods- algebraic and ratio-proportion but she decided to stick to the longer one.
At school level, we are taught the method and therefore if you get the steps right but not the answer you may still get 80% marks for the question because you have understood the concept.
While if I were to attempt this question in my MBA entrance examination where the emphasis is on selecting the right answer out of the multiple choice given, I would have got a zero if I would have selected the wrong answer. And I could have used any method, algebraic, arithmetic or trial and error or pure guess work.
And if I were to be given this problem while I was doing an MBA, I could have used several methods and arrived at several possible solutions and still scored marks. The emphasis here is appreciation of the problem from various angles.
And at work, I could have even suggested ways to invest the profit in his next consignment and ways to negotiate for credit terms or advance payment terms. The emphasis in business situation is to make as much money possible out of a single transaction, via actual profit, profit after tax, credit, stock clearance etc.
Any problem in Physics can be solved using simple arithmetic or using formula or even calculus - I understand it is fastest to use calculus but somehow I have never been coached well enough in calculus to appreciate that or even solve via calculus. So it is still an enigma to me.
After yesterday's incident I am having a mental debate with myself.
Why don't teachers emphasise that appreciaton of the problem is more important than the method?
My answer- at school level, it is important to get the basics right. Each teacher teaches as per a pre set syllabus and their goal is to finish the syllabus on time. Discussing exhaustive methods to solve a particular question will never enable them to complete the syllabus. At that level, Mathematics is all about practice till you are perfect and till you have mastered formulae. History is dates and they really don't take them as people who existed albeit a very long time ago. Physics is what Newton invented after sitting under the apple tree or what other great men did long time gao and left behind series of theories, laws and formulae for us to mug up. Chemistry is also rote learning of equations and the observations that are supposed to happen in the practicals if you do all the steps correctly. No self discovery. Civics/ Economics is a set of acts and bills without really understanding where the tax money is going or how the government has made use of the education cess or why prices fall or rise and why dollar rate is important from business point of view. If a teacher were to explain all this the syllabus would never be completed and then there are exams where the answers are pre set along with the questions and the marks will be awarded according to the number of points one has covered.
Once you move to corporate life, one has no ready made answers, every thing is put down to experience. If one has spent "x" years in the industry, (s)he is supposed to be capable of working at "y" level in the organisation and expectations on the ability to sort issues are formed based on industry experience. The Dean whom I mentioned in the beginning used to take 'Strategic Management" classes for us. It happened 9 years ago but I don't remember what was the syllabus or what syllabus he used to cover during that 1 hour but I definitely remember the other real world issues he used to blend into his lecture.
As students we are taught to attend a class from the point of view of "the taught" rather than the 'teacher or knowledge worker". We like classes where we can shut up, take notes, assimilate information for our answers for test questions. We don't like to be quizzed and put in the hot spot. Test is a necessery evil and class participation is for bonus marks not for ourselves. Does it ultimately boil down to teaching methods or UGC syllabus?
What did olden day Gurukul or today's Montessory style do? Practical, all round, application based syllabus.
Ultimately everything boils down to what i am going to do for Ojas & Tejas?
Will I have the time to make them appreciate the problem and solve it using all possible methods rather than just as per the chapter title? Or more important, will they appreciate my interference and will they have the courage to tell the teacher that my method is also right?
My question, why shouldn't the teacher question the answers in the beginning itself?
Yesterday a friend's daughter was having trouble with a Profit & Loss Problem.
"A shopkeeper buys 200 shirts for Rs 180 each and sells 100 at a 10% profit. at what price should he sell the balance to make an overall of 15% profit"
She knew the answer but not the steps. I gave her the steps without actually solving it for her.
It is a question from arithmetic point of view. While I could solve it faster using algebra- (10% + x%)/ 2 = 15%.
But would the teacher award her marks if she solved it that way?
I explained alternate methods- algebraic and ratio-proportion but she decided to stick to the longer one.
At school level, we are taught the method and therefore if you get the steps right but not the answer you may still get 80% marks for the question because you have understood the concept.
While if I were to attempt this question in my MBA entrance examination where the emphasis is on selecting the right answer out of the multiple choice given, I would have got a zero if I would have selected the wrong answer. And I could have used any method, algebraic, arithmetic or trial and error or pure guess work.
And if I were to be given this problem while I was doing an MBA, I could have used several methods and arrived at several possible solutions and still scored marks. The emphasis here is appreciation of the problem from various angles.
And at work, I could have even suggested ways to invest the profit in his next consignment and ways to negotiate for credit terms or advance payment terms. The emphasis in business situation is to make as much money possible out of a single transaction, via actual profit, profit after tax, credit, stock clearance etc.
Any problem in Physics can be solved using simple arithmetic or using formula or even calculus - I understand it is fastest to use calculus but somehow I have never been coached well enough in calculus to appreciate that or even solve via calculus. So it is still an enigma to me.
After yesterday's incident I am having a mental debate with myself.
Why don't teachers emphasise that appreciaton of the problem is more important than the method?
My answer- at school level, it is important to get the basics right. Each teacher teaches as per a pre set syllabus and their goal is to finish the syllabus on time. Discussing exhaustive methods to solve a particular question will never enable them to complete the syllabus. At that level, Mathematics is all about practice till you are perfect and till you have mastered formulae. History is dates and they really don't take them as people who existed albeit a very long time ago. Physics is what Newton invented after sitting under the apple tree or what other great men did long time gao and left behind series of theories, laws and formulae for us to mug up. Chemistry is also rote learning of equations and the observations that are supposed to happen in the practicals if you do all the steps correctly. No self discovery. Civics/ Economics is a set of acts and bills without really understanding where the tax money is going or how the government has made use of the education cess or why prices fall or rise and why dollar rate is important from business point of view. If a teacher were to explain all this the syllabus would never be completed and then there are exams where the answers are pre set along with the questions and the marks will be awarded according to the number of points one has covered.
Once you move to corporate life, one has no ready made answers, every thing is put down to experience. If one has spent "x" years in the industry, (s)he is supposed to be capable of working at "y" level in the organisation and expectations on the ability to sort issues are formed based on industry experience. The Dean whom I mentioned in the beginning used to take 'Strategic Management" classes for us. It happened 9 years ago but I don't remember what was the syllabus or what syllabus he used to cover during that 1 hour but I definitely remember the other real world issues he used to blend into his lecture.
As students we are taught to attend a class from the point of view of "the taught" rather than the 'teacher or knowledge worker". We like classes where we can shut up, take notes, assimilate information for our answers for test questions. We don't like to be quizzed and put in the hot spot. Test is a necessery evil and class participation is for bonus marks not for ourselves. Does it ultimately boil down to teaching methods or UGC syllabus?
What did olden day Gurukul or today's Montessory style do? Practical, all round, application based syllabus.
Ultimately everything boils down to what i am going to do for Ojas & Tejas?
Will I have the time to make them appreciate the problem and solve it using all possible methods rather than just as per the chapter title? Or more important, will they appreciate my interference and will they have the courage to tell the teacher that my method is also right?
Friday, September 28, 2007
Autograph Please
Every single day, the Security personnel responsible for courier/ letter delivery comes to me atleast 4 times with his request for signing letters for people absent from their seat / travelling. I have repeatedly told him to come at 5.00 pm with the entire set of letters and I will sign them.
It is annoying when the entire day I am made to sign for letters that don't belong to me and secondly will not be opened by the addressee that day. I have been sweet, I have been rude but never yet had the heart to refuse to sign and turn the person away. He still does not get the hint. "Madam please, 1 signature, 2 minutes only." And this goes on for 4 times in a day.
Why can't anybody respect the other person's wishes to be left undisturbed.
Same goes for the odd job person in the complex who comes to me at all times and especially just before I am leaving for work to get signatures on bills. Inspite of being told that he has to come right after I reach home from office for such stuff.
Same for the maids who demand a RS 500/- advance right before I am going to office. I have passed a blanket rule that I will not pay any advance under any circumstances to the 2 maids. It is highly inconvenient to go to the ATM and get money to pay them advance every 10 days in such days of credit card dependence. All salary dispersal only at month end henceforth. A day after the rule is passed they demand for Rs 100 advance which I flatly & promptly refuse.
It is annoying when the entire day I am made to sign for letters that don't belong to me and secondly will not be opened by the addressee that day. I have been sweet, I have been rude but never yet had the heart to refuse to sign and turn the person away. He still does not get the hint. "Madam please, 1 signature, 2 minutes only." And this goes on for 4 times in a day.
Why can't anybody respect the other person's wishes to be left undisturbed.
Same goes for the odd job person in the complex who comes to me at all times and especially just before I am leaving for work to get signatures on bills. Inspite of being told that he has to come right after I reach home from office for such stuff.
Same for the maids who demand a RS 500/- advance right before I am going to office. I have passed a blanket rule that I will not pay any advance under any circumstances to the 2 maids. It is highly inconvenient to go to the ATM and get money to pay them advance every 10 days in such days of credit card dependence. All salary dispersal only at month end henceforth. A day after the rule is passed they demand for Rs 100 advance which I flatly & promptly refuse.
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