Beware The Blogger Observes

1. Get in..get inside. How will the people boarding the airport bus after you get in. Don't worry the plane will not leave without you.

 2. Ms Airhostess, atleast learn the language if you have to speak it on the Inflight announcement. Don't be Katrina Kaif ki guru in terms of accented Hindi. And there is something called punctuation mark.

 3. Your club sandwich is terrible. Never offer that instead of chicken tikka sandwich... Ugh.

 4. Don't assume that the person on window seat will not get down just because you have to fly onwards. Ask and then give way. 

5. Why the hell do you slow down near the smelly toilet. Walk fast and let us pass.

 6. First of all the meat fridge in your store is on the way out. On top of that the shop girl doesn't bother to move aside. How the hell will I select my purchase. And you grumpy looking ladies, I am not simply looking at the wares, I am buying them. Don't you effing give that horrible look and say excuse me one after the other. Take the other way.

 7. Et tu move. If you stand in front of the shelves how will I buy? And don't keep walking along with me matching step for step, pace for pace looking at my face as if You can read my intentions (of stealing) on them

 8. I may look gullible but no, I will not pay a thousand bucks for two dozen alfonso mangoes. So cut that look from your face and keep your wares to yourself.

 9. Why don't you just tilt the book you are reading so that I can satisfy my curiosity as to which book it is? 


10. Down down, put your socks-ed feet down. I can almost smell it. Ugh.

Pertinent Questions

1. I leave home anytime between 7.45 - 8.00 am. And the husband's car leaves home after 2.00 pm. What compels the car cleaning guy to clean the husband's car first and then mine. Just the fact that his car is parked 1st in the peking order?

2. Who, I ask who the F is crapping in the building lift every morning? Rather why is he doing it there- I am pretty sure it is a he.

3. What makes people do exactly the opposite of what instructions have been given?

4. What makes people blame the kids even if the mistake is theirs?

5. Why is the neighbour's kid always punching the other kids in the stomach? And most importantly why is the mother not bothered to correct the child?

6. What causes people to hoard obviously useless stuff? One person's trash is other person's treasure and all that being true but some stuff has so obviously lost their usefulness that the best place for them is the trash box. Especially nowadays, when space is a constraint.

7. Why am I always short of 5 minutes in the morning?

8. Can't people use common sense? Or if that is too much of an effort, can't they read the notices in the toilets- Do not throw tissues in the toilet- throw them in the dustbin?

I Paid Bribe

Just for a car Transfer of Ownership.

Day 1- I go to the RTo at 9.00 am. Of course it is too soon for a self respecting Gov Employee to be available. The only available person did not give me any details. Even though everything is printed right on teh wall- the writing on the wall and all that. Since I did not have the inclination to travel half way across town from office to RTO office at a decent hour like 11 am when they would be ready to share information, I decided to do what I never ever have done- catch the agent on scooter standing outside.

The agent gave me a bindle of forms to be filled in Multi-plicate. I already had the same formats but he insisted he wanted more copies of them.
I mail the forms to my ex-office and after much explanation I manage to get the forms signed and stamped and sent to me.

Day 2- I give the forms to the agent. He asks for his fees. After a lot of calculations in his head- he asks me for Rs 1200. I coughed up the entire sum because once you are in the clutches of the agent, you have no future. And plus by this time I was already very hassled getting copies of what nots that were needed at that very moment. The agent said come at 6.00 pm the same weekend. I had my doubts whether he would be found at 6.00 pm but he assured me he is always around.

That Friday - I go to the RTO and find he is not there. And neither has he got the Transfer Papers done. He tells me to come on Tuesday morning.

Tuesday- Morning- I reach RTO precisely at 9.00 am and he is not there. all agents are there, except him. I wait for an hour for him to turn up and he says come at 5.00 pm.
I arrange for a person to arrive at 5.00 pm at the RTO. I call just before 5.00 pm to confirm. The person says he is in the hospital with an accident victim. So I need to come at 6.00 pm

6.00 pm- I arrive at RTO office and he takes me inside and the clerk says- since it is 6.00 pm the officer has gone and I don't have the signature.
I make a big scene.
I start talking to people around loudly talking against the agent.

He asks me to keep it quiet and wait.

I hang around and ask a few clerks the exact amount to be paid for Transfer of Ownership. One directs me to the other and so on and so forth but nobody- not a single person confirm the amount. They tell me- ask the agent.

I am called inside to sign the receipt.
The seal and signatures are done. The vehicle is transferred in my name.
I sign the back of the forms and notice a receipt pinned to it. I hold on to teh form and the clerk tugs at it saying this is mine, give me.
I snatch it back and read the amount printed on teh receipt.
Rs 325/ Only.

I ask aloud- So what happens to the balance money from the Rs 1200 you took from me.

The agent escorts me outside and informs me in a pained manner- you do not know the number of people I had to bribe to get your papers in order- including the clerk just now who signed only when I bribed her.

Lesson learnt- 7 days when you go directly, 1 week when you go through agent.
Which is the lesser of the 2 evil, I am yet tod ecide.

What Happens When I Hear a Certain Type of News?

My limbs begin to shake, a sick feeling begins to start at the pit of my stomach, I lose focus in my work, I break up into a cold sweat and an extreme weariness takes over my entire self.
Yes, this happens the moment I hear that the maid is not coming.
I have reached a certain stage in my life when the tone of the entire day depends upon the arrival of this all important person in life- the maid. Until she comes, I have something nagging at the back of my head. Every happy episode of the day like coming to know the bonus figures or getting a surprise phone call from the kids seems to be clouded by something. Until I hear that the maid is safely inside the house happily working and banishing the dirt demons of the house. Then on, the day seems bright and sunshiny and I appreciate the joy in the little little pleasures of life-like a gulabjamun served at the office lunch or simply completing the task of a bill payment.
I am an total disaster when the maid goes away. I curse, I cry, I fume, I scream at every available person or non person.
I then use all resources to hunt for availabe maid- anyone who is willing to do just dishes. I call friends, neighbours, maids who have phones. I beg, cajole and follow up if they agree to come which is not very often.
Then I collect myself and begin to say to self- ah well, atleast she will be back tomorrow or the day after. Atleast it is not permanent. Just do it today. I then go about the laborious task of attacking dirty dishes, washing clothes and say to myself thank God I have a machine, scrub sink tops and say to myself atleast because the maid is not there, the sink top is looking cleaner. The husband vacuums- ah another positive- atleast the house gets to have the monthly vacuuming done because of her absence. And after that initial starting prolem, on pure inertia I do the jhaadoo, pocha, bartan, kapda the next day and the next until the maid madam arrives.
And I vow to myself, never again will I let myself get into this situation.
And so the hunt for the second maid begins. She will be my back up. A lower salary one. The one who comes early morning and does atleast half the job. The one who will go the extra mile if the second one takes leave. The one who will never take leave without informing me. Or rather, will never take leave. The one who will live at walking distance, will have a phone and will come even if I call her to work at odd hours. Basically, she will be accessible at all times, all days, round the year. Even though I do not need her. I just want her to be there. Eventually she will become my main maid and the current one will become a back up and I, from this position of power, will negotiate with her on her awful timings, or chores that she gives a miss or even cut her salary if she takes too many leaves.

But it is not easy.
My Standard Operating Protocol for Maid Hunt
1. Spread the word- talk to the maid encyclopedia of the building- the one who knows about every available maid, the building maid, the neighbour's maid, iron wallah, security, fish waali who has the advantage of knowing about maids in other buildings.
2. Go from flat to flat staring at their doorstep- if there is a pair of chappals which are likely to be a maid's, ring the bell even if you have never ever spoken to the occupants before. Ask for the maid without preamble. Because- they understand how it is like to be maidless. But, don't say you want their maid to work- say you want to ask their maid to find someone- because maid poaching is another feared thing- some people clam up the moment you say words to that effect. The drill is same when you speak to the maid- give flat number, timing when you need a maid, give a brief overview of the work load and extract a promise from her that she will bring her friend to work for you, then pray for the miracle.
3. Stare at every possible person in the vicinity. If they look like a maid- accost them.
4. Follow up- with 1 & 2 & 3 above.
5. Now when a maid comes you need to judge- do you tell the entire workload and fix upfront or just give a sketch and as she enters your home give additional responsibility and may be increase the salary thereby. Do you straightaway come to a final figure or negotiate upwards. Remember, there is no sure shot here. Some walk away the moment they hear the figure and you will never feel like calling them back even if you had a higher budget, while some will negotiate. Some name their price while others wait for you to open your trap then size you up.
6. Even if one agrees to come and work, the story does not end. They may not turn up and you lose a day and a half worth of maid hunt. So keep the search on even then.
7. Even if they join work, there is no guarantee that they will last the month even. Believe me, I have changed 6 last year and have already experienced 2 this month alone. Therefore, rinse, repeat until you get a feeling that the new one has settled.
8. And as you begin to have good thought for her and start thinking of giving her a big bonus inspite of she not completing even a year of service, or start thinking of giving her a hike as she completes a year, or plan to give her some more work because, after all, the workload isn't as much as you initially spoke of- she throws a googly and quits.
9. Rinse, repeat 1-8.
10. Now a word of caution- never hire 2 people from the same family- if someone dies or someone is born, both will take leave at the same time. Also, even if with each passing maidless day you increase your walkaway salary for the new maid, the next one will throw a figure which is phenomenally higher. No matter how much impatient you are to hire, never hire someone if you plan to throw her out eventually after you get a better one- her gang of friends will never let you hire another one and you will be stuck with her ultimately.

Dear Radisson Kabab Factory

Many a memorable dinners and lunches have been had in your premises.
I have taken foreign colleauges out there for the Great Indian Kabab experience.
I have had special occassion dinners for two and thereafter lunches for 2 + 2. Even my kids fell in love with you.
We love your kababs- the mutton seekh, the galauti kabab pressed on a flat bread and smeared with green chutney, sprinkle of onion rings, a dash of lime and rolled and eaten like a frankie. Oooh I can almost taste them on my tongue.
As long as the cost for the 4 kababs, assorted breads and the biriyani and mini dessert platter that are never done justice to, were upto Rs 750 plus or minus a few bucks, it was value for money. Commoners like us could still come to you for our small and insignificant celebrations.

Well, on a given day that we choose to come to you, how many kababs will we eat- 8 or may be 10 max. After that we normally have no space for the meal/ desserts.
So if I were to compare with the Copper Chimmney share platter of 20 for Rs 1300 or Barbecue nation unlimited lunch platter of 5 different kababs for Rs 450 with a drink and buffet thrown in, a Kabab Factory platter for Rs 1300 plus would be definitely termed as daylight robbery.
Well, they said, we have changed the menu so we increased the price. I really didn't find any obvious change in the menu but yes the restaurant was redone.
I also did not find an increase in variety of kababs for lunch and most certainly I can say that my tummy does not accomodate more kababs with the increase in price.
Yes, I am crazy about you Kabab Factory. So much so that if one wakes me up from sleep and tells me to go to Kabab Factory, I will do that barefoot.
With the increase in price, I may of course pray to God that I get lots of foreign colleagues visiting India so I may bring them to you, Kabab Factory. But there will be a nagging feeling of guilt that I am going there whereas not taking the kids who enjoy your food so much.
I may still treat myself to Kabab Factory perhaps once in a year or once in two years or atleast until my kids turn 8 because one saving grace is that you do not charge for kids below 8. Despite my warnings that the kids will eat atleast 3 kababs each and there are 2 of them.
I try to tell myself that may be we are having some degree of value for money because 2 kids are also eating for free.
But then these excuses have a short life span. Sooner or later I will compare it to Barbecue nation that is not really bad on the taste front. It is of great value for money too for frequent eating.
So Dear Kactory.
At Rs 1300 per platter, I am sorry to say, you are most certainly not worth it.

Even Peeves the Poltergist is Less Annoying Than...

- Those who constantly tell dirty jokes at lunch table- I had no clue about the Nityanand Episode or even a movie called Sindhu Samavali- but the way it had been discussed at my lunch table, scene by scene as shown on TV or word by word as published in teh papers, I feel as if I have watched all the leaked uncensored CDs of Nityanand episode.
My solution- Just give a sarcy look around to another lady colleague and say- see I told you he will discuss this ha ha ha....

- Those who send huge forwards that had already done its rounds a decade or so earlier, especially on the office network. My IT department once send a sarcastic mail to one such forward- for what official purpose have you set up a return receipt for this forward! I sent a silent cheer in his direction!
My solution- just ignore and definitely delete as it clogs the mailbox. Sometimes I just mention that this was an old one- some 10 years earlier I had read it.

- Ladies who involve themselves in the fights of kids. The kids forget about it in moments but the mothers- their fights continue because even if you do not want to involve yourself at some point you have to step in when the said mother is abusing your son- telling him bloody fool or shoving him even if there is a chance that my son is at fault.
My solution- is usually to call both kids and ask both of them to apologise. I don't usually involve myself with the parent unless it gets too much. I normally keep a check on what happened in the playground on a daily basis.

- People who ping me on chat again & again throughout the day- just because I am online doesn't mean I am in a mood to talk to you. Ok we did a hi hello in the morning. Why are you again doing the same hi in the afternoon. Can't we just exist in the cyberspace but not disturb the other person who might be seriously working on a blog post.
My solution- ignore when it happens second time in a day.

- Those morons who send Personal mails on my office id- When you know my personal e mail id why the F are you writing to me on my official id? That too mails that are entirely personal in nature?
-My solution- block the person. I don't mix business and pleasure or rather even "un" pleasure. I explicitly tell people to mail to my personal id if they are not my colleagues. And I am not a fan of asking official mails to come to personal id especially because if you have a mail address that reads something like itching....ufff you will know how it feels to share it with office people!
- People who come on a group forum only to seek solutions for themselves but never be around to even listen forget respond to other people's problems.
My solution- resist the temptation to respond to the frantic help requests.

- Ladies who seek you out in a group tour only to ask where the toilet is- as if we are appointed toilet sensors. Or to join your group because they see you are a prospective "helper" for shopping in a strange city
- My solution- let the said lady tag along and then lose her in the crowded shops. And do not tell her of your discovery- the secret location of the additional toilet 3 floors up!! Let her stand in queue for the common toilet and tell her you don't want to "go"

So what are your pet peeves?

Sometimes....

...I am just venting.
Just hear me out.
Don't offer solutions.
Maybe I don't want them.
Maybe I just want to be a bitch.

I am Convinced

More & More
That
-"No Comments" equals "Silent Support"
-"No Protest" equals "Silent Provocation"
-"No Contention" equals "Silent Encouragement"
-"No Stopping" equals "Self Doing"

Oh I So Dislike

1. Jobless colleagues other than HR people sending email asking us to fill in our birthdays/ anniversaries. Grow up dears
2. Colleagues calling you up during your holiday and then bitching about the company on the company phone (roaming charges applicable). Come to the point, shut up and let me enjoy my holiday. I am not in bitching mode.
3. Account Managers calling you up on your holiday- asking you if you are sleeping at this time of the afternoon. When answered in the affirmative with explanation that yours truly did not sleep the ENTIRE night, they proceed coolly to discuss concepts for a very urgent and important project. And when yours truly falls asleep in the middle of the conversation they ask you to stand up & talk and continue with the sleep later. If it was so urgent, why is there no mail or project in the system after I come back to office?
4. Chain mails in official mailbox - If I had the time I would send it back (insert prescribed number of times mentioned in the mail) times to the sender. Go flood yourself in the sender's mailbox.
5. Bosses who believe that the reportee was to comeback a week before (s)he actually is coming back and make people call up and check why the missing person has not reported. err, I thought you approved my leave?
6. Mails that insinuate that some project is in deep shit because yours truly is on a break (after a gap of more than a year). Get a life. Come to the point. You are not my boss. Anyone in this large team can bail you out. Remember that it is the technical person who will make the product ultimately.

What is this yaar?

1. Why can't the ECG and treadmill section of hospital have multiple robes so that one needn't wear a sweaty stinky one and ruin an otherwise perfect experience at the hospital?
2. Why can't the sari shop fellas be polite while showing the saris so that you don't have to give them a piece of your mind just to get them in line? Why do they believe that youngish (?), salwar kurta/jeans clad girls are there just to make them unfold saris and then not buy them so that the motivation levels in piling on varieties are very low? We have better work yaar. Or the next time I might just make you unfold atleast 10 saris in each section of your floor just to teach you a lesson.
3. Why can't the police stop vehicles at the beginning of the road which leads to a point where traffic needs to be sent back or diverted? Why wait until we reach the point and then make us go about turn and cause a traffic jam?
4. Why do slow moving vehicles take the centre of the road or the rightmost lane and why do buses move diagonally and not straight.
5. Why do you always spot something much better once you have paid up for something else already?
6. Why do the neighbouring table's order always look more appealing than what you ordered or why is it that they get their orders much faster than ours?
7. Why do the most interesting, crucial, unputdownable email/ work/ conversation happen during the last 15 minutes of office hours, compelling you to finish at and be late going back home.
8. Why do the Security wait till you have switched off the engine or worse come out of the car to tell you that you cannot park there or you need to move your car a micro inch away to be in the right position.

Security

We went to a wedding at Park Sheraton the other day.
At the gates, our car was stopped, we were asked to open the boot, then the doors which they opened almost causing our kids hanging on that door to tumble out of the car and only then did they let us go.
The gifts were being collected at the door itself with a person manning it- carefully listing out the gifts collected. We were frisked at the entrance and come to think of it, the whole procedure made me feel better and safer, for whatever it was worth.
Earlier people used to take offence if they were frisked and checked at the gates of a wedding venue just because there is a person with high security needs attending the wedding. It was rare and occassional. Not something happening when ordinary folks like you and me are attending or conducting a party at a hotel.
But the situation has changed and like everything that evolves over a period of time, a security protocol has evolved to include stringent measures and we actually feel okay about it.
It's ok to not give in to the temptation of idling in front of a patch of lilies in a major IT park and just hurry past it now because the Security doing their job may just get suspicious and check upon you.
It's prudent of us to not go to a crowded marketplace during peak hours or before major festivals.
It's a way of life to be cautious, aware and vigilant...like our ancestors living in the wild.
The animal is different now.
PS: The food was lovely though and the fried fish was polished away real quick by the four of us.

Theatre Lessons

1. No. You do not start the movie a few minutes before the schedule.
2. And you most certainly don't imagine that a lady with a struggling kid on one hand and a bag of kiddy stuff on the other arm does not deserve to be escorted to her seat with a flashlight to prevent kid and lady from almost stumbling over the uneven floor.
3. Intermission does not mean that the screen should go blank without warning probably when the actor is in mid-sentence. Someone like the lady in (2) above will imagine that the current supply has ditched.
4. Intermission duration cannot so long that you need to take several rounds of snacks to fill the time or so short that you hardly walk out from the theatre that you need to stumble back in the darkness.
5. There is something called the right volume.
6. There is something called right level of aircon. Don't imagine if you start with frigid levels of cooling and suddenly switch off the aircon, nobody will notice because they will be too engrossed in the movie.

Another Set of Whys

I am doing this soul cleansing tag... Yay! Thanks MM for the brilliant tag

1. Why is it ok for you to buy watches, laptops, cars, mobiles any number of times but not ok for me to desire a beautiful house?
2. Why is it ok for you to want to honour a promise to a third person at the cost of your family's liking but not ok for me to demand that my husband honours his promise to me?
3. Why is it ok for you to like your mother's food but not ok for my sons to prefer their mother's food?
4. Why is it ok for you to relax on your weekend but not ok for me to want some space during my weekend?
5. Why is it ok for you to waste food by making excess and serving to the neighbours and not ok for me to make just right quantities?
6. Why is it ok for you to reach office after 10 but not ok for me to reach just 5 minutes after you?
7. Why is it ok for you to get a car as your bonus but not ok for me to demand a better cash bonus?
8. Why is it ok for you to do numerous foreign tours but not ok for me to do a local trip to Delhi (my shopping paradise! ha) ?
9. Why is it ok for you to diss North Indians and not ok for me to call South Indians as Madrasi?
10. Why is it ok for you to park your car in the wrong place, blocking the play area but not ok for me to park the car in the wrong place not disturbing anybody?
11. Why is it ok for you to convert your balcony into an additional room causing a violation but not ok for me to make a grill blocking a small area not used by anyone but me?
12. Why is it ok for you to grow a tree in your garden space causing disturbance to the upper floors, but not ok for me to let a few weeds grow in my garden?
13. Why is it ok for you to browse and chat on the net but not ok for me to blog?
14. Why is it ok for you to maintain a messy home but not ok for me to not want to sweep if the maid does not turn up for a day or even otherwise?
15. Why is it ok for you to dye your hair an ugly shade of black but not ok for me to get my hair cut in a different style?
16. Why is it ok for you to dash the car but not ok for me to be a lousy driver?
17. Why is it ok for you to not call my parents anytime but not ok for me to not call your parents when I am travelling? (person- some)
18. Why is it ok for you to never call my parents but not ok for me to not call your parents when I am travelling to your city? (persons- rest)
19. Why is it ok for you to skip quite a few rituals from your side but not ok for me to skip the few rituals that involves "giving money or taking money from all and sundry" in my wedding?
20. Why is it ok for you to not want to spend money because you are the boy's side but not ok for me to control the expenses because I am on the girl's side?
21. Why is it ok for you to crib about the fact that photographs of a few rituals were not taken but not ok for me to crib that calling the photographer again would have meant that I incur the extra charges?
22. Why is it ok for you to not celebrate some festivals celebrated all over the country but not ok for me to say that I don't believe in some of your rituals?
23. Why is it ok for you to not cut hair on Fridays but not ok for me to not cut hair on Saturdays?
24. Why is it ok for you to comment on my not wearing the signs of marriage but not ok for me to comment on the dynamics of your marriage?
25. Why is it ok for you to follow the customs prevailing in your maternal home in your husband's house but not ok for me to not want to give up my customs after marriage?
26. Why is it ok for you to comment on how I do not live with my ILs living in the same city but not ok for me to comment on how you live in a different country altogether and make a flying visit only once a year?
27. Why is it ok for you to comment on everyone's weight but not ok for me to point fingers at the eating habits of the members of your family?
28. Why is it crystal clear to you why other DILs are having problems with her ILs but completely hazy when it comes to your own family (this is for all men!!)?
29. Why are you so understanding about other's problems but clueless when it comes to your own?
30. Why are you so good in HR & PR in your workplace and mess up horribly in your personal life?
31. Why is it ok for you to comment on my over usage of diapers and harming the environment but not ok for me to comment on the water wastage and detergent pollution that your dirty nappies cause? To each their own right! Even though I have been a cloth diapering Mamma!
32. Why is it ok for you to comment on my naughty children in the train/ aircraft but not ok for me to object if you mess up the compartment with your snacks?
33. Why is it ok for you to joke on the number of times my kids cry but not ok for me to object when your grown up kids damage a parked car?

Birthdays

Yesterdays...
-At School
Wear Coloured Dress, Distribute candies, Get royal treatment- suddenly everybody in your class seems to become your friend, Even the teachers do not scold you
-At Home
gifts, cake, treat to friends

Today...
People gather to wish you in your home, you cook, you slog in the kitchen, you serve, you clean-up and in return just get to cut the birthday cake (sometimes you might end up baking a cake for yourself too) and get some gifts.
Sigh...It's not an easy joke being a woman.

Until I decided that I deserved more on my birthday.
I deserve to not cook, be treated for a fun day and for once not act dutiful and feel obliged to engage the entire shebang for my birthday dinner.
Life is so uncomplicated after that!

For the New Dads/ Dads in Waiting

While we are on the subject of advice, pregnancy, PPD and the works in some forum, I came upon an older post of mine in draft. I found it to be extremely angsty and therefore I had never published it. So I am giving the post a 360 degree makeover and turning it into an advisory list from a certified rant.
On a side note, this worries me- if I am making posts out of archived thoughts, am I running out of ideas? Does it mean I am not expanding my knowledge but converging towards past wisdom?
Anyway, I digress...
So this is for New Dads & Dads to be- I have taken up your cause before so now for some words of wisdom from women who have been through it before.

1. You (and everyone else) would have treated your pregnant wife like royalty and the moment the kid is born all attention will naturally gets directed to the kid. While this is normal, you as her husband and soulmate must, in no circumstance forget that she is your first priority. Otherwise you would undo all the good work done by you during the pregnancy. She might, in a fit of anger just turn back and accuse that you did it for your selfish interests- the child(ren).
2. Post pregnancy, whether CSec or normal delivery a mother is exhausted and requires a care taking equated to 6 months of illness.
Imagine getting up after hours of gruelling labour or waking up few hours post any surgery and going about the business of feeding/ cleaning/ comforting a newborn. Yes, a mother forgets all about her pains & well deserved rest and sets to look after the child right away. Can you even think of doing it?
So make it up to her. Offer a helping hand as often as possible. Be part of the process and proactive rather than a casual bystander helping whenever convenient.
3. Give her emotional support
Talk to her, spend time with her, especially if she is cooped in a room nursing the baby and the rest of the household is laughing, gossiping and joking away in the living room. Don't treat her as a baby making and nurturing machine. She is still a living, breathing, full blooded woman who is your wife first and then a mother. It doesn't hurt to ask her how was her day or what did you do the entire day in office, whom did you meet or update her with the latest.
4. Let her have her space- with herself, her thoughts etc.
people tend to crowd a new mother with their advice, presence and constant talk. Keep a watch and disengage such people when you feel it is becoming a "too much". She will be unable to blatantly tell people to push off because all of them are well meaning people who have come to bless the baby(ies).
5. Contribute to the home management
bunking maids, messy home, unwashed clothes, nappies, folding washed clothes, filling water bottles, other hygiene issues that the wife is expected to be done. Find alternative support or pitch in yourself. Remember she is on a full time job now unlike your part time office work
6. The new born(s) will wake up many times in the night.
Even if you have to go on work next day, you must work out a schedule where in you take turns to wak up and check the nappy before handing over to her for feeding. Imagine being rudely woken up everytime you try to sleep- this happens to her the entire day- morning & night.
6. Be by her side if anyone critisizes her
The baby does not always fall sick because of the mother's diet, bath schedule etc.
7. Make time for her. Insist that she gets a break
Take her for a romantic dinner, movie etc
8. A welcome home / thank you gift (for giving you the baby(ies) ) would be a nice touch.
9. She might yell and lose her cool for no reason with you or ILs or anybody else
Be her sounding board without quarreling/ arguing back (This comes from wise Sue in another forum)
10. Take off from work from time to time just for spending time with her and the baby(ies)
11. She may not cook anymore.
Don't throw a tantrum for that
12. There is something called Post Partum Depression
see 10, 9, 7,6,4,3 above
13. Make it a rule to not go out and socialize without her
it makes her feel all the more left out. She might encourage you to go alone but refuse vehemently saying you will not go without her!
14. With the multiple changes in her body, her self esteem may reach an alltime low
Give her mental/moral/emotional/physical boost
Do post your PPD memories on my comment space or send me the links for me to make our case stronger

The Missing Counsel

Case- DIL vs rest of the ILs
Advice to DILs- been given and argued out in many forums
Here comes the rest of the counsel
Disclaimer- This is not my experience. It is collective wisdom gathered over a period of time
To all the forward thinking ILs- This is not meant to insult you. This is in answer to many households who believe that the advice doled out bears merit

1. It is not enough to just welcome the DIL with open arms into the household on the day of marriage in front of everybody. One must also make her feel welcome and part of the family through and through.
-So if you give her the master bedroom with the only attached bathroom during the first week of her stay- continue to do that, because the newly weds would need that more than the rest of the family needs it.
-If you feel it is not right for her to cook for the entire household during the first few days, continue to feel so because after 3 days she will not morph into a cooking machine. The rest of the household should move their backside and do their bit in helping out as much as possible.
-If you encourage the newly weds to go out alone for their honeymoon or to catch a movie, do not frown on them if they want to continue doing that without taking the lot of you with them.
2. The DIL is now the Chief Executive of the house. The rest of you can be board members/ (senior) directors if you may please. You play the role of advisory but it is upto the CEO to execute. Remember, once again, the CEO is the ultimate decision maker. The rest of you are advisory and refrain from unsolicited advice unless it's really crucial for you to speak up. If so, do it tactfully. Do not hurt the feelings. This is like a relay race. You got to pass the baton if you want to ultimately emerge a winner as a team. Else you remain static and do not progress.
-Where the DIL goes and whom she visits is upto her. Do not question or prevent
-Trust the CEO- you have voted her in so you would have seen some qualities in her worthwhile to your household.
-Do not compete for her post. You are past your prime. Take Voluntary Retirement before you are unceremoniously thrown out.
3. Support the DIL at all times especially in the initial stages. It will reap more rewards than you can think of.
-So if you feel your son or brother is being unfair to the wife, do not hesitate to protest and make him see sense. It is easier to get back into the good books of your son/ brother than the DIL.
-In an unfortunate event of you becoming a witness to any quarrel between the couple, either scoot or support the DIL. Why? See above in red or go to this link.
4. The DIL is the certified better half of the son. So now stop behaving as you have the complete right over him
-Do not hog his time. Forget about late night chats with him. If it has to happen, it has to be done strictly in the DIL's presence.
-Allow the couple to cozy on together in privacy in shared resources like the sofa, TV, car, garden etc. Give them space. You could tactfully walk away into your own room when the son/ DIL come home after a long day at work instead of pouncing on them immediately
-Allow the DIL to talk of relevant events of the day to her husband instead of you being the mouthpiece. You can be the mouthpiece for your own husband.
-Do not butt in if the couple talk something to each other. If it had been of any conseuqence to you, they would have involved you. Probably they are discussing something that is too embarassing for you to listen to. So mum's the word
5. If you want to eat something specific- make it yourself. Don't expect the DIL to magically know how you like your food made.
- if your son likes a specific recipe do not nag the DIL to make it - if you wanted him to eat that same food all the time, you should have taught him how to make it.
6. If you find your son romantically helping out the DIL, do not crib or taunt on how he never helped you. Blame it on your managment skills and crawl back into your hole.
-don't pretend that the tyrant DIL is overworking your poor son and start lending him a helping hand. I repeat, crawl back into your hole.
7. Whenever you buy a gift for the couple, ensure that the gift for the DIL is equal in stature or value to what you give your son.
-rerfain from giving cheap unbranded stuff, sale stuff or dowdy or fake clothes. Nothing but the real thing for the real gem of DIL who is coming to grace your home.
8. Your DIL is the representative of your house. Do not sit and gossip with neighbours of her age now.
-As I said, back off into your hole or den or whatever you wish to call it.
9. You make a fool of yourself if you compete with DIL in domains where your skill sets are low.
-It makes better sense to tell yourself- I am not competing.
10. She is the DIL. She is not a cleaning machine to pick up wet towels, put your dirty laundry in the machine, stash away smelly shoes, make beds, switch off lights, fan, gas or taps after all of you.
-Remember the mantras
- each one for oneself
-do unto others as they do unto you- so if you want your DIL to pick up after you, you lead by example- pick up after her first.
11. And finally, don't try to force fit your grandchildren's looks/ behaviour to your side of the family. Remember she is the mother who bore the child for 40 weeks. It is nature's way of ensuring that the child has to take after the mom in some way or the other.
-Since you cannot beat them(nature), join them. Sing profusely how the child is just like the mother. It will reap more rewards than you can think of.

Edited to add

a smart MIL pheonix Ritu adds her counsel

I quote from her and applaud...
You have handed over your son to his wife. She is his first priority - not you. So chill okay. If he spends more time with her, dont sulk. If they do want to go out with you or spend time with you, they would come and be with you. Its their zamana, not yours. Plus at this age, you would not survive their pace, their food, their loud music. Notice I said “their” They are a team now, you are the bystander. Accept it.
Lastly and most importantly ….. Be nice to the girl your son brings home - remember that she is the one who will be around when you are old and frail. Also she is the mother of the grandchildren you hope to pamper.

Random Questions- Shared Joys

It's normal for families to share toileteries & clothes among themselves.
Siblings exchanging clothes, entire family sharing toothpaste, soap and some even sharing their shaving kit or towels!
What happens after marriage?
Does the same continue or are boundaries drawn?
The very reason I have graduated to shower gels & liquid handwash is that I cannot tolerate sharing soaps with the characteristic single hair stuck to it! One should see me asking hubby several times whether he is the only one who uses his soap in the Pondy house, before I use his soap reluctantly, incase we stayed overnight without prior plans. Somehow I always doubt it is a shared resource so I always carry my own shower gel.
I don't fancy using the same toothpaste that has come into contact with several toothbrushes unless it's my husband's/ kids or my parents/ siblings'. For the sake of hygiene and privacy, I wouldn't want toothpaste sharing to happen at all.
Earlier we siblings used to regularly exchange clothes. But somehow couldn't imagine cozying up with husband wearing someone else's shirts!! So stopped sharing clothes after marriage.
I feel the same about everyone drinking straight from the bottle. Somehow have learnt to live with it.
I have heard about guys who shamelessly borrow the entire shaving kit! Can't even begin to imagine what I would have done had someone asked for my hubby's shaving kit.
Now tell me what's ok with you! Am I having an attitude problem if I am particular about such stuff?

One of the Reasons I want to Move Out of the South

I love the city but somehow I am facing a conflict of sorts of staying here all my life.
One of the reasons being Weddings & Parties.
We never get invited to happening parties. I have realized belatedly that the concept does not exist here. A friend had once commented that if you invite someone for dinner they look at you suspiciously. I had laughed it off but now I tend to believe it's true.
I used to do dinners before the kids. But they never got reciprocated except for a few cases.
And now on weddings-
I dread them here because-
1. If you dress a bit fashionably- you look over dressed. If it is not pattu (silk)- you are considered not dressed aptly/ grandly- so either way you are the odd one out
2. You can never expect to attend a hip wedding party in a posh hotel or a spacious farmhouse- its always a kalyana mandapam.
3. The food is normally not a big attraction. More often than not I treat myself outside to satiate my taste buds.
4. The food is vegetarian
5. There is no naach gana- dancing/ light music/ merry making - my feet are itching to dance but there is no event happening
6. Lack of fun and enjoyment factor
7. There is nobody whom I know or am related to among the guests- so I can almost be sure that I will have nobody to give me company at the party.
8. Since I am here, I miss out all the happening parties that happen in / around my place.

Chicken

I hereby confess that I orkutted. Though I normally don't. But was chicken enough to use a fake ID. I orkutted to check how many of my school friends are active in the circle. What became of them after so many years.
I discovered our school community, discovered that a friend is now a mother of 1. I immediately asked her to get in touch with me using our code language for each other's name. She mailed back saying that she had mailed me the birth announcement at my old office id. So you see, Orkut has its benefits.
I discovered who had got married, who did not (lucky gals!), who is getting divorced, who has become a mom and who is trying to conceive, and who is blogging (albeit irregularly). I re-lived my school days. It was a bitter-sweet feeling- knowing about their lives and all. I wanted to reach out, scrap them or search them out.
But then again, I was unsure of how far I could continue. Would I be able to really carry the friendship further. Would they have changed. Will they be pleased about getting in touch with me and will they want to pick up the phone and talk to me from time to time or will I be the only one calling them up whenever I feel like doing it.
The close circle of friends- I am in sporadic touch with them via mails & phone. We normally pick up from where we began- like I did with this one.
But can I really bare my heart to any of them- No! Can I tell them about my blog? No - atleast not for the moment- I am not ready to become an open book to them yet.
Some in my family & extended family read my blog - that is fine.
Some friends also read and that is also fine. But the communication is 2-way.
Not like sharing my world & myself with everyone out there about whom I do not even know.
Well, that must be an understatement -yet I am not sure whether i want to reconcile my blog persona with my persona of school days and today's persona yet.
Somehow I am more comfortable sharing all details of my life with an unknown audience rather than a known one. Anonimity breeds security?
I discovered a lurker sometime ago via my stat counter. We zeroed down the webpage to the person because he has named it with his real name. We confirmed after he added his photo on his page. Now my fight is that you are reading me, you know me personally, I never invited you so doesn't propriety demand that you mark your presence by leaving behind a comment? Or just go on reading everyday getting all vicarious pleasure knowing whatever is happening in my life. Well, it is pretty much there for everyone to read but if one knows me and discovers me, I would expect a buzz.
My blog is a medium to reach out, to therapy, to record, to share, to connect- most of these which lack in real life. Most strangers will read & form impressions of the persona and will perhaps treat each blog post as episodes. Whereas someone who already know me will get a bigger & complete picture of my life as it is today. I may use my blogger's license to distort or exaggerate just to add a story value. A known guy will take it as real. That is what gives me a discomfort. They will try to unnecessary reconstruct what is happening in my real life basis my blog life. That's my rant.
Now should I go private and send passwords? Will people want to login everytime they want to read me? Will my ego suffer when I see no takers for a password protected blog?

Tagged to Hate Men

Taking up JLT's open tag obligingly- to talk of 10 things that I hate about Men.

I love this line- All men are the same. They have different faces so that we can tell them apart better.

1. Their believe that when the woman does the cooking/ housework- she is doing her job. When the man does it- he is doing her a favour.

2. When we women plan something with friends - we do it in such a way that it does not clash with our family time. With men they have to do it when they should be with family- late nights, weekends, holidays etc because then it does not clash with work

3. All men want their wifes to be like their mothers- but they do not want to be like our fathers.

4. Their irrational/ misguided belief in their own kin and not the wife.

5. Their complete inability and unwillingness to support and stand for their wife in times of some specific great need when if the wife opens her mouth in defence- it will be seen as disrespect. And their ability to convert anything that is strictly about the husband and wife into an open family matter- but not vice versa.

6. Comparing our cooking with their mother's- no matter how bad their mother's is or how good ours is.

7. Dropping in / Inviting a friend without checking with the wife and inviting the friend to dinner too.

8. Selective amnesia- about bill due dates- some not all.

9. Doing something for the kid only under duress and then making a big exhibition of it and recording it as the biggest job of the day done to help the wife.

10. Expecting the wife to adapt totally to his culture - not otherwise even partially.

11. Their ability to act like the king of the jungle in front of their family- when she wants to feel cherished and loved and an equal- but like a nice cloying and clingy husband in front of the wife's family- when it is most undesirable and one requires her space with her side of the family.

12. Their ability to garner support from all quarters - both their and wife's side during a quarrel with wife.

13. Their insensitivity while getting exactly the same or better sari/ household item/ gift/ jewel/ cosmetic (thankfully not undergarments/ negligee) for their mother and their wife for fear of hurting their mother's feelings.

14. If they have to choose between their family and wife or friend and wife or dog and wife or office and wife- the choice is always- you guesses it right- not the wife.

15. Their ability to take their entire family for any function- which should have been strictly attended by the couple only.

Some GRAS (Generally Regarded as Silly) Issues that become Family Problems on the Men's side-

Let's say one lady does not eat non-veg- will she start eating just because the husband loves non-veg? So why should the DIL in the family stop eating non-veg on particular days just because the husband does that!

Or let's say in one culture it is considered to be rude to cross legs and sit. How will the wife know about it without being told?

If the wife does not want to change her name after the marriage- it becomes a family problem.

If the couple wants to plan a baby- why it has to become a family news? More so all the tests that the wife has to undergo is made public knowledge- but not if men also have to go through it.

Not wearing mangalsutra/ signs of marriage becomes a family issue even if the husband is ok with it

Going on a holiday especially to meet wife's side of the family is a sensation- the dates need to be aggreable by the panchayat