2 nights ago I dreamt that I am pregnant again. I remember being horrified- in my dream. My prime worry being that I had consumed a lot of papaya and pineapple since I was unaware of that fact and more important, I was due to join the gym starting Feb. All this meant I could not gym for another year at least and thereby postponement of weight loss and body toning- in the light of the discussion of the toned figures of Ash & Bips in Dhoom 2 (aside, to myself- High Hopes). I also found myself hoping for a baby girl this time around at least.
In spite of the horrors in my dream, the feeling next day was not entirely relief and concern had it truly been the case. In fact the feeling was quite a happy one. The kind you get after seeing a really nice holiday or a promotion or even a good fight in the dream. [This post here is written to record my feeling (incase I need it at a later date!)]
Did it mean that my body was giving me signals for doing it again? Did it mean that I am ready for a 2nd time, so soon? Inspite of all the labor (pun?) I am doing after my terrible 2 who are yet to reach the terrible two’s. Is it my unsatiated need and hope of a baby girl or the numerous mammas’/ going to be mammas’ blogs that I frequent or is it the sight of pregnant women around me which nudged the dream into my mindscape?
I discussed this with my fellow blogger yesterday and her question was “oh you seem to have a lot of time (for all that)”. Immaculate- I assured her…
I told hubby and he says what if it’s a boy again or what if they are twins again?
Anyway, whatever my dream may hint, I find myself not ready for it as yet, for all practical purpose unfortunately. As a fellow blogger aptly put in a few months ago (sorry, I do not remember who), I resign myself to the fact that I will never be the preferred caretaker over her mother by my pregnant daughter-in-law. In fact I even feel bad about not preferring my MIL’s food to my Mom’s during my pregnancy. I am not saying I did not like her food it was a matter of preference – all research folks out there will agree that there is a sea of difference between liking and preference. Though MIL was always more than ready to express deliver her Dosa Diner food as my Mom was her Dhaba Express food.
And to this I add that I will never get the joy of shopping together with my daughter for clothes, shoes and jewelry and get meaningful inputs from her. I will never get a chance to deck up my baby girl in frocks and ghaghra and funky jewelry. I will never be able to share womanly gossip and do bitching sessions with her. I resign myself to a lifetime of untold gossip and advice which a woman can pass on only to her daughter. And as I grow older, I will miss picking up the phone and having a tête-à-tête with my daughter as and when I wish, like my Mom does with us sisters. I resign myself to a lifetime of boring sports shops, and dry boy’s section of stores. I will have to wait a good number of years to do it with my daughters in law and that too if they have the time and willingness to do it. Even if they have both, I cannot predict whether our shopping instincts and tastes will match as much as a mom- daughter pair’s do. No offence meant here – that’s the way it is and we must learn to accept it.
I will never have the pleasure of my daughter looking up to me and saying I want to be/ dress up exactly like Mamma, Conversely, that just because I am the mother of sons, and more so since I am the mother of sons, it does not mean that I am over the hill and must do all that it takes to be up-to-date so that my DIL’s do not say I am passé! (thought is there, no time to practice though). There, I have said it. Though I hate MIL’s who try to compete with their DIL’s the mindset is happening to me too! I am already readying myself! (scene imagined is-hopefully- saas-bahu rivalry of the tele-serial tu-tu mai-main style)
And I ask myself – am I wishing for a daughter for all the wrong reasons? I feel that I am being selfish.
And to my sons I say- the fact doesn’t change that I wanted a daughter –badly, but there is another fact that is even more powerful than this. It is the fact that no matter what, my love for them will never be lesser and the intensity of which will never be less than the intensity of my wish for a daughter. I can never imagine wishing one of them to be any different from what they are. I am blessed that I have the double trouble to talk of, shower my affection on and anticipate their growing years.